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In a stunning display of political bravado, President Freedumb announced today that he will be granting every American an unprecedented level of freedom, starting with a new law that requires every citizen to be free at least three times a day. "Americans are tired of being cooped up in their homes, their minds shackled by the chains of normality," President Freedumb proclaimed from the steps of the White House, flanked by eagles and the Statue of Liberty, who was overheard asking for a nap after her long flight from New York.

The President's campaign, titled "Operation: Unchain America," has set off a firestorm in the House of Representatives, where lawmakers are now locked in a heated debate over who gets to be the 'Freedom Police' and what constitutes a freedomm violation.' The debate reached a climax when Representative Liberty Bell rang a 2,000-pound bell for over an hour, insisting it was an exercise of her freedom to 'bong loudly.'

Meanwhile, in a bid to counter the President's initiative, the Government's 'Committee for Responsible Freedom' has proposed a bill that would require citizens to apply for freedom permits. "We can't have people being free willy-nilly!" exclaimed Senator ChainLink, who has been spotted shackling his own legs to his desk for 'security reasons.'

The nation's schools are not immune to the freedom frenzy. Schools across the country have begun implementing 'Freedom Hours,' where students are allowed to do absolutely anything they want, provided it's within the confines of the classroom. "The sky's the limit, kids!" cheered Teacher Tinker, as he watched a student attempt to fly by flapping a textbook.

In a surprising twist, the President's initiative has inadvertently led to a surge in the demand for chain stores, as Americans, eager to embrace their newfound freedom, are buying chains by the dozen, convinced they can now 'choose' to be shackled. Walmart reported a 300% increase in chain sales, while Home Depot has seen a rush on padlocks.

As the dust settles, one thing is clear: America is more divided than ever, with half the population trying to outdo each other in their expression of freedom, and the other half trying to figure out how to make a living selling chains and permits.

In a final act of irony, the President's announcement has been met with the highest level of scrutiny, as the press struggles to determine whether this is, in fact, the most freedom they've ever had to report the news, or if they've been handed a script that's too 'out there' even for satire.

Stay tuned as this story unfolds, or should we say, frees itself into the annals of history.

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.