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WASHINGTON D.C. - In a shocking turn of events, the United States Congress has announced plans to restrict personal freedoms in an effort to avert an economic disaster. The measure, which was passed with overwhelming support from both sides of the aisle, aims to limit the freedom of citizens in order to stimulate economic growth.

"We must take drastic measures to ensure the stability of our economy," said Congressman John Smith (R-Ohio). "By limiting the freedom of our citizens, we can ensure that they are unable to make poor financial decisions that will lead to economic disaster."

The proposed legislation would give Congress the power to tax citizens on their personal freedoms, including the freedom of speech, the freedom of assembly, and the freedom to practice one's religion.

"This is not a violation of our citizens' rights," said Congresswoman Jane Doe (D-California). "It is a necessary measure to protect our economy. After all, who needs the freedom to express their opinions when the economy is at stake?"

Critics of the measure have argued that it is a clear violation of the First Amendment and that it will lead to a slippery slope of government control over citizens' lives.

"Nonsense," said Congressman Tom Johnson (R-Texas). "This is not a violation of the Constitution. The government has a responsibility to protect its citizens from themselves, and this measure is a necessary step to ensure that."

The bill is expected to be signed into law by the President within the next week, despite widespread opposition from civil rights groups and free speech advocates.

"This is a dark day for America," said Sarah Jones, spokesperson for the American Civil Liberties Union. "We cannot stand idly by while our government takes away our fundamental rights. This is a clear attack on the very fabric of our democracy."

As the bill awaits the President's signature, citizens are bracing themselves for a future without the freedom to express their opinions, practice their religion, or assemble peacefully.

"It's for the greater good," said one citizen, who wished to remain anonymous. "I'm just glad that our government is finally taking action to protect us from ourselves."

But not everyone is convinced. Many are calling for a repeal of the legislation, citing concerns about the erosion of civil liberties and the slippery slope of government control.

"This is a dangerous precedent," said a protester outside the Capitol building. "We must not let our government take away our fundamental rights in the name of economic stability."

As the debate rages on, one thing is clear: the future of American freedom hangs in the balance. Will the government be able to balance its economic concerns with the rights of its citizens, or will it succumb to the temptation of totalitarianism? Only time will tell.

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.