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In a shocking turn of events, the once-revered document that has guided the United States through the tumultuous tides of history, the Constitution, has become the unexpected front line in a new kind of war: a war on science. This war, declared by a coalition of fervent patriots and self-proclaimed guardians of the Constitution, has seen the venerable parchment drafted by the Founding Fathers co-opted as the unlikely standard bearer for a movement that has vowed to combat the "overreach" of scientific consensus.

The leader of this movement, a man known only as General Sciencebe Gone, has called for a full-scale assault on anything he deems as sciencee-based economic policies." His followers, clad in flag-adorned bomber jackets and carrying placards with slogans like "Freedom Isn't Free, Nor Is It Based on Facts," have taken to the streets, calling for a return to the days when "intuition and common sense" were the primary arbiters of truth.

The conflict reached a fever pitch last week when General Sciencebe Gone and his band of merry men, the Constitutional Scientists, stormed the hallowed halls of the Smithsonian Institute, armed with nothing but curiosity and a deep-seated distrust of the "liberal science agenda." Their mission: to confiscate any exhibit or artifact that could be construed as a silent sentinel in the propaganda war for the hearts and minds of the American people.

In a bizarre twist of fate, the Constitutional Scientists were momentarily waylaid by a group of rogue economists, known as the Fiscal Wizards, who had infiltrated the Institute with the intent of rewriting the nation's economic history to reflect their own belief in the sanctity of "trickle-down truths." The ensuing standoff, complete with a heated debate over the true meaning of the Constitution's preamble, became a spectacle that rivaled any reality TV show in its gripping suspense.

As the battle lines are drawn and the factions entrench their positions, one cannot help but ponder the irony of a war being waged over the very document that champions the pursuit of knowledge, the establishment of a more perfect union, and the betterment of the nation through reason and understanding. The question on everyone's lips is no longer about who will win this war, but rather, what will become of the nation when the dust settles and the ink of the Constitution has been stained by the ink of war.

In a final, almost poetic twist, as the Constitutional Scientists and the Fiscal Wizards continue their ideological showdown, a group of teenage climate activists, led by a girl known only as Greta Thunberg, have infiltrated the ranks of both factions, attempting to broker a peace treaty that would see the end of this hostility and the beginning of a new era of unity in the pursuit of empirical truth. As the world watches with bated breath, one can only hope that sense will prevail before the last vestige of scientific integrity is surrendered to the whims of political whimsy.

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.