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In an unprecedented and absolutely baffling turn of events, the United States Congress has just passed the "Unity of Purpose and Resolve Act," a legislation that has sent shockwaves through the halls of democracy and into the living rooms of every American who owns a television that's not permanently set to a shopping channel.

The bill, which was seemingly crafted by a dyslexic Mad Libs player on a sugar rush, seeks to amend the Constitution with the intention of creating a more... unified approach to legislative proceedings. While the exact details of the bill are as murky as the waters of the Bermuda Triangle, what is clear is that it involves the mandatory implementation of a bipartisan clapping sensor in every chamber of the Capitol Building.

Yes, you read that correctly. A clapping sensor. The device, which is rumored to be an evolution of the age-old applause meters found at the bottom of late-night show sets, will reportedly measure the intensity and unity of the applause from lawmakers when a bill is proposed. A unified "clappy" will trigger fast-tracked legislation, while a cacophony of hand-slaps will result in a legislative time-out, complete with a timeout chair shaped like a giant, gilded donut.

Congresspeople, who were recently seen scrambling to purchase the latest "ClapMeister 3000" during a late-night shopping spree on public funds, are reportedly ecstatic about the new device. "It's revolutionary," exclaimed Senator Handclap (R-AL) in a press release littered with emojis and autocorrect mishaps. "No more endless debates or gridlock. Just pure, unadulterated, hand-slapping unity!"

On the other side of the aisle, Representative Thunderous Applause (D-CA) chimed in, "This is the change we've been waiting for. It's time to bring the sound of harmony back to Capitol Hill, one clap at a time."

But not everyone is swayed by the symphonic promise of the "Unity of Purpose and Resolve Act." Political analysts, constitutional experts, and history enthusiasts alike have raised concerns that this legislation might, in fact, be a dystopian plot to undermine the Constitution's checks and balances system, turning the United States into a hand-clapping dictatorship where the loudest applause dictates the future of the nation.

In an eerily prescient move, a group of activists has already started a grassroots movement called "Hands Off Our Democracy," which includes daily protests outside the Capitol Building, where protesters stand in silence to drown out the cacophony of legislative clapping.

As the nation awaits the Supreme Court's decision on the bill's constitutionality, one thing is clear: the world will never be the same. For better or for worse, America is on the brink of a new era, where the sound of hands coming together in agreement may very well hold more power than the collective wisdom of its citizens. God save the hand-clappers.

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.