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In a stunning turn of events, the once-promising campaign to impeach the esteemed General Turncoat, a decorated war hero and accidental senator, has inexplicably morphed into a revolutionary overhaul of the nation's taxation policy. The twist came to light during a heated Senate showdown, where the General's controversial past, including a brief stint as a mascot for a rival football team, was overshadowed by a proposal that would see taxation based on one's ability to run a mile under five minutes.

The brainchild of the General himself, this radical new tax policy, dubbed the "Sprint-Based Taxation Act" (SBTA), aims to "level the field for all citizens, regardless of their political leanings or military achievements," according to the General's spokesperson, who also mentioned that the General's fitness regimen had been "uncharacteristically intense" in recent weeks.

Under the SBTA, citizens would be taxed based on their performance in a mandatory annual 400-meter sprint, with the fastest runners paying less and the slower ones shouldering a heavier financial burden. Proponents argue that this system would encourage a more fit and productive populace, while critics point out that it could lead to a nation of sprint-obsessed tax evaders, hiding in the woods to avoid the annual race.

The Senate erupted into chaos as the proposal was debated. Senators, some of whom had previously called for the General's impeachment, were now seen high-fiving and placing bets on the General's proposed qualification race, which he promised to run barefoot. The spectacle was not lost on the public, who flocked to online forums to discuss the implications of a nation where taxation was determined by one's athletic prowess.

As the debate raged on, a group of eccentric economists emerged from the woodwork, endorsing the SBTA with fervor. They claimed that the new tax system would "finally bring transparency and meritocracy to the financial world," and that it would "unshackle the economy from the archaic chains of income and investment."

Meanwhile, the General's campaign team, now rebranded as the "Sprint for Your Rights" coalition, was seen handing out pedometers instead of yard signs, urging citizens to track their steps and prepare for the upcoming tax race. The coalition's new slogan, "Run for Your Money," was emblazoned on t-shirts and bumper stickers across the country.

In a final act of defiance against the traditional political machine, the General announced his candidacy for the presidency, promising to bring his revolutionary tax policies to the national stage. His platform? A pledge to hold the nation's first presidential race on foot, with the winner taking the oath of office atop Mount Rushmore, after a 5K sprint.

As the nation braces for the potential implementation of the SBTA, one thing is clear: in the world of politics, only the quickest think on their feet. Literally.

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.