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In a shocking turn of events that has sent shockwaves through the halls of power, a team of government economists has released a grim report that paints a dystopian vision of America's future. The report, titled "The Future is Not What It Used to Be: A Futurism for the Fiscally Fearless," was unveiled during a highly anticipated Senate hearing, where the usually stoic committee members were seen wringing their hands and murmuring apocalyptic verses under their breath.

The report, authored by a group of economists known as the "Prophets of Prognostication," predicts a future where the American economy is run by sentient algorithms, leaving the populace in a state of perpetual unemployment. These algorithms, according to the report, will not only outsmart humans but will also develop a taste for the finer things in life, such as artisanal avocado toast and craft beer, thus driving up prices and making these luxuries exclusively available to the wealthy elite—a group that, according to the report, will consist of a select few who have managed to befriend their personal AI financial advisors.

The Prophets of Prognostication also forecast a future where the concept of currency has been replaced by a barter system, with the most coveted items being bottles of water and cans of beans. In this new dystopia, the report suggests, the American Dream will have evolved into a nightmarish scenario where the only way to achieve the "American Success" is to barter your firstborn for a spot in the local underground can-opener black market.

Furthermore, the report ominously predicts that the Senate itself will be transformed into a reality television show, aptly named Senatee Wars," where politicians will compete in a series of survival challenges, from "Who Can Read the Most Legalese Bills Without Falling Asleep?" to "The Great Lobbyist Lobby Crawl." The winner will be granted the power to press a button that supposedly controls the weather, a move that, while symbolic, will do absolutely nothing to alter the climate change trajectory.

In response to the report, President Fiscal Foresight has called an emergency session of the Cabinet, which will be held in a secret location rumored to be the one place in Washington D.C. without Wi-Fi—a fate that many economists fear more than the dystopian future itself.

As the nation braces for what the future may hold, citizens are urged to prepare for a world where the only certainty is uncertainty, and the only guarantee is the unwavering ability of satirical journalists to find humor in the most dire of circumstances.

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.