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In a series of bizarre and unhinged tweets early this morning, the impeached President Snort McGrumpface has suggested that the United States' most dystopian year yet could be turned around by a nationwide pivot to a novel disaster preparedness strategy. The strategy, which McGrumpface refers to as "Pandacalyptico," involves training groundhogs to predict disasters and lead citizens to safety.

"The groundhogs are wise, they've seen it all. They've been through hibernation during wars, economic collapses, and even the 2020 election," McGrumpface wrote, clearly forgetting the subsequent impeachment and the current, utterly chaotic state of affairs.

Experts have been quick to dismiss the plan, citing the groundhogs' limited range and the fact that they've been in hibernation during most of the historical events McGrumpface mentioned. However, the former President's advisor, a man who wishes to remain anonymous for fear of being buried alive as part of the new strategy, defended the plan.

"Look, we've tried everything else. We've had the best walls, the most effective tweets, and the most unorthodox cabinet picks. It's time to think outside the box. Or rather, inside the groundhog burrow," the advisor said, squinting at a groundhog named Phil as if expecting it to reveal the next national disaster.

In related news, the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) has announced it will be hosting a series of workshops to train groundhogs in disaster response. The workshops will include lessons on reading topographical maps, understanding weather patterns, and the nuances of presidential Twitter communication.

Meanwhile, as the United States grapples with its most dystopian year, citizens are left wondering if this is, in fact, the plot of a poorly written science fiction novel. Others are simply preparing their doomsday preppers, just in case the groundhogs decide to take a sick day.

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.