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In a shocking turn of events that has sent political pundits into a frenzy, sources close to the House of Representatives have leaked that the impeachment inquiry into President FakeWashington's alleged misuse of campaign funds to purchase a stable of rare, carnivorous snails may not only derail his re-election bid but also potentially lead to the United States' first-ever presidential impeachment trial held during an active campaign season.

The investigation, which began as a routine audit of the President's campaign finances, took a dramatic turn when auditors stumbled upon a series of cryptic transactions coded with the mysterious acronym "OPOSUM." These transactions, totaling millions of dollars, were allegedly used to acquire a private collection of snails, which insiders claim are trained to perform "patriotic duties" such as eating through red tape and "sliiming" political opponents during debates.

The revelation has sent the political world into a tailspin, with both major parties scrambling to capitalize on the scandal. The Democratic Party, already riding a wave of momentum after the release of the Mueller Report, is calling for an immediate impeachment inquiry, arguing that the President's actions represent a clear abuse of power and a betrayal of the public trust. Meanwhile, the Republican Party, in a masterful display of political gamesmanship, has launched a counter-offensive, accusing the Democrats of engaging in a "snail-brained plot" to distract from their own scandals and undermine the President's re-election efforts.

As the nation braces for what promises to be the most bizarre and contentious election cycle in history, political analysts are predicting that the impeachment inquiry could turn the campaign into a three-ring circus, with the snail controversy becoming a central issue in the debate. Candidates from both parties are vying to be the "snail slayer," pledging to put an end to the President's "gastropod graft" and restore integrity to the White House.

In a bold move, President FakeWashington has denied any wrongdoing, calling the allegations a "sluggish smear campaign" and insisting that the snails are simply "loyal pets" that have been misrepresented by the media. He has promised to "shell-ack" his opponents and vowed to lead the country to "greener pastures," regardless of the outcome of the impeachment inquiry.

As the nation awaits the next chapter in this unfolding drama, one thing is clear: the 2020 presidential race is set to crawl into the history books in ways no one could have anticipated.

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.