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In a stunning display of bipartisan unity, Congress has decided to postpone all legislative activities to form a special committee dedicated to determining whether science is more credible than partisan politics. The decision came after a series of unexplained natural phenomena began occurring with alarming frequency, leading some members of Congress to question the very fabric of reality itself.
The committee, aptly named the "Committee to Assess the Credibility of Science in the Face of Incontrovertible Political Bias," will be co-chaired by Representative Newton Gritstone (R-TX) and Senator Eliza Dobson (D-CA), two esteemed members known for their firm grasp on the scientific method and their unwavering commitment to partisanship.
"The American people deserve to know if these so-called 'scientific facts' are truly objective, or if they've been tainted by liberal elitism," said Gritstone, flanked by a team of experts holding signs that read "Science is a Hoax" and "Facts are Democratic."
Dobson countered, "We must not let unfounded skepticism undermine the integrity of our research. After all, we have irrefutable evidence that the Earth is round, and anyone who says differently is clearly just a conspiracy theorist."
The committee's first order of business was to summon the "Great Disaster in the Sky," a mysterious cosmic event that has been threatening to descend upon the nation's capital for weeks. Despite warnings from scientists that the disaster could cause widespread destruction, the committee has decided to impeach the event for "excessive partisanship" and "failing to provide clear evidence of its existence."
In a related move, the committee has also launched an investigation into the "Climate Change Conspiracy," which they believe is orchestrating a series of natural disasters to sway public opinion in favor of environmental regulations. "We can't have our children growing up in a world where they're told what to believe by scientists and weather patterns," said Gritstone, adjusting his tin foil hat.
As the nation holds its breath, the committee has pledged to work tirelessly through the night, armed with nothing but a Ouija board and a stack of tabloid headlines. The outcome of this epic showdown could very well determine the fate of science, politics, and perhaps even the fabric of reality itself.
In the meantime, the American people are encouraged to tune in to the live-streamed committee hearings, where experts from both sides will debate the existence of gravity, the actual color of the sky, and whether chocolate or vanilla is the superior ice cream flavor. It's a battle for the truth that promises to be as heated as a summer in the Sahara, yet as enlightening as a power outage during a full moon.
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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.
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