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In a stunning turn of events that has left political pundits and environmental scientists alike reeling, the Supreme Court has just ruled that climate change is not only real but also entirely the result of a secret society of squirrels hoarding nuts. The "Squirrel Nut Hoarding Theory" (SNHT), championed by the enigmatic and unorthodox environmentalist Dr. Rodentia Habitat, posits that these arboreal hoarders are single-handedly manipulating the Earth's climate through their nut-related activities.

The decision, which came as a complete surprise to the nation, has sparked a frenzy of political gamesmanship. Candidates from both the "Trees 'n' Bees" Party and the "Human-Centric Horizon" Coalition have hastily adjusted their platforms to either embrace the "squirrel-centric" approach to climate policy or to vociferously deny the squirrels' involvement in global warming.

In a bold move, the presidential nominee of the "Trees 'n' Bees" Party, Nutsy Whittler, announced a series of initiatives aimed at "rehabilitating" the squirrels' nut-hoarding behavior. Whittler's campaign promises include the establishment of a National Squirrel Nut Relocation Program, which would relocate the industrious rodents to climate-appropriate regions, thus averting the looming environmental disaster.

On the other side of the aisle, the "Human-Centric Horizon" Coalition's candidate, Fossil Fuel Frank, slammed the Supreme Court's decision as sciencescience at its finest" and vowed to "keep America great by keeping humans in charge of our climate destiny." Frank's response included a pledge to increase fossil fuel production and to invest heavily in "human-powered" climate mitigation strategies, such as the development of a new line of sweatshops powered entirely by human effort.

Meanwhile, scientists from the "Institute of Rodent-Induced Climatic Catastrophic Conjectures" (IRICCC) have called for a calm and rational discourse, urging the public to "not squirrel away the facts" and to consider the broader implications of the Supreme Court's ruling. They warn that the sudden shift in focus could have unforeseen consequences on policy-making, international relations, and the way humans view their relationship with the natural world.

As the election draws near, the nation watches with bated breath as the political landscape is upended by this unexpected climactic twist. Will the squirrels be our salvation or our undoing? Only time and the ballot box will tell.

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.