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In a shocking turn of events that has sent financial analysts and political pundits into a frenzy of speculation, the Supreme Court has made a landmark decision that could fundamentally reshape the American economy. In a 7-2 ruling, the Court has decided that all American citizens are now required to pay a mandatory "Appreciation Tax" to the federal government, effective immediately.

This new tax, which Justice Giggles aptly described as a "token of gratitude," is to be paid annually by every citizen over the age of 18, regardless of income. The tax rate? A whopping 100% of any appreciable asset they own. That's right, if your vintage comic book collection has increased in value, or if your wine cellar has matured like a fine wine should, the government expects its cut.

The decision, penned by Chief Justice Chuckles, argues that the "Appreciation Tax" is a necessary measure to ensure economic fairness and to prevent the "hoarding of wealth in its most tangible and enjoyable forms." The ruling also claims that this tax will help stimulate the economy by encouraging citizens to liquidate their assets, thereby injecting cash into the market, which will then be promptly funneled back into the government's coffers.

In a dystopian twist, the Court has also mandated that the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) be equipped with time-travel technology to retroactively assess and collect taxes on any assets that have appreciated since the ratification of the Constitution. "We're not just looking at the past decade or even the past century," declared a gleeful Treasury Secretary, Jokes McFunnyface. "We're talking about the granddaddy of them all, the 1787 American Economy Act. It's a treasure trove, folks!"

The reaction from the public has been predictably mixed. While some citizens are outraged, others have taken to social media to express their enthusiasm for the opportunity to finally monetize their grandma's china set. Wall Street, ever the optimist, has seen a surge in the stock prices of moving companies and self-storage facilities, as Americans brace for the great purge of personal heirlooms and collectibles.

In a related development, the Department of Defense has been granted a special exemption from the tax, as per a secret amendment that was conveniently omitted from the public documents. It seems that the nation's military hardware, including experimental stealth drones and next-generation fighter jets, will not be subject to the Appreciation Tax, much to the chagrin of many who argue that the government should practice what it preaches.

As the nation grapples with the implications of this new tax, economists are predicting a future where the American Dream is redefined. No longer will it be about the pursuit of happiness, but rather the pursuit of liquid assets—preferably ones that have appreciated significantly in value. After all, in this brave new world, the only thing certain is taxes and change. And if you've got an antique piano that's been gathering dust in your living room, well, you might want to think about giving it a tune-up. The government is coming, and they're bringing a receipt.

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.