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In a stunning display of bipartisan unity, the House of Representatives passed the "Global Conflict Empowerment Act" with a resounding 95% majority, sparking a national debate that has left citizens scratching their heads in bewilderment. The bill, championed by the charismatic Representative Patriotic-Struggle (R-Texas) and his counterpart, the eloquent Senator Peace-and-Freedom (D-California), aims to "reaffirm America's commitment to global leadership and military excellence."

The legislation, which sailed through the House with the ease of a hot knife through butter, grants the President, affectionately known as "Commander-in-Tweet," the authority to deploy U.S. forces to any country that has a GDP over $100 billion, provided they serve their national interests, which are broadly defined as "anyplace where American businesses are underrepresented or in direct competition with foreign entities."

The bill's provisions have sparked outrage among doves and hawks alike. Doves fear that the U.S. military will become a global gig economy, offering its services for the highest bidder, while hawks are concerned that this could lead to an unprecedented era of peace, which, as we all know, is bad for business.

In an exclusive interview, Representative Patriotic-Struggle explained, "Our founding fathers envisioned a nation that could kickstart a war with the same casual ease as ordering a pizza. With this bill, we're making that vision a reality." Meanwhile, Senator Peace-and-Freedom added, "This is about ensuring that American influence is felt in every corner of the globe, from the bustling markets of Shanghai to the serene beaches of the Maldives. Who needs sand for wars when you have commerce?"

Critics argue that the bill's broad language could lead to endless wars, with the U.S. potentially engaging in military operations in over 150 countries, all in the name of protecting American interests. However, proponents of the bill argue that it's a necessary step to maintain the United States' status as the world's only hyperpower.

In a related event, the Department of Defense announced the creation of a new branch, the Bureau of Military Entrepreneurship, tasked with finding innovative ways to integrate American troops into global markets. The bureau's first initiative? A line of military-grade yoga mats, perfect for those who prefer their warnward dog with a side of drone surveillance.

As the nation braces for the potential implications of this landmark legislation, one thing is clear: the United States is ready to take its global leadership to new heights, or depths, depending on your perspective. And with the military's newfound entrepreneurial spirit, the only limit to American power is the imagination.

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.