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In a shocking turn of events, The Onion has exclusively learned about a clandestine operation within the House of Representatives that has been quietly orchestrating a complete overhaul of the U.S. economy, leveraging the cutting-edge science of "Rock, Paper, Scissors" (RPS).

The mastermind behind this audacious plan, a politically savvy scientist known only as Dr. Cutting-Edge, has been working in secret with a select group of bipartisan lawmakers, whom we'll refer to as the "Grand Coalition." The group, which includes such luminaries as Senator Handshake (D-Diplomacy) and Representative Thumb Wars (R-Rhetoric), has been conducting covert meetings in the Capitol's least-monitored restroom to avoid detection by the prying eyes of the American public.

Their strategy is based on the simple, yet profound, RPS model, which Dr. Cutting-Edge believes can predict market trends, resolve international disputes, and even dictate monetary policy. "We've been using RPS for years to navigate complex political landscapes," explained Dr. Cutting-Edge. "Why not apply its principles to the entire economy?"

According to leaked documents, the Grand Coalition's plan involves a three-phase approach:

1. **The Handshake Phase**: This phase focuses on establishing diplomatic relations with foreign entities through a series of high-stakes RPS matches. Success in this phase is expected to lead to favorable trade deals and the establishment of a global RPS Federation.

2. **The Thumb Wars Phase**: In this phase, the focus shifts to domestic policy, where representatives will engage in RPS tournaments to determine legislative priorities. The winners of these tournaments will then draft bills based on their RPS strategy, which they claim will lead to more balanced and fair economic policies.

3. **The Rhetoric Phase**: The final phase involves a nationwide RPS campaign to stimulate the economy. By encouraging consumers to make purchasing decisions based on the outcome of RPS games, the Grand Coalition believes they can create a self-sustaining cycle of consumer confidence and economic growth.

While skeptics have dismissed the plan as a "childish game" with no place in serious economic policy, Dr. Cutting-Edge remains undeterred. "Think about it," he says. "Every economic decision comes down to a choice: paper or plastic? With our RPS framework, we can make those choices more strategic and, dare I say, more American."

The Onion has also learned that the Grand Coalition is planning a live, primetime broadcast of the final RPS match, which will determine the fate of the U.S. economy. The event, dubbed "The Mother of All RPS Matches," is expected to draw record viewership and cement the Grand Coalition's legacy as the most innovative group of lawmakers in history.

As the nation braces for what could be the most unconventional economic strategy ever attempted, one thing is clear: the Grand Coalition is ready to roll the dice, scissor the competition, and paper their way to a brighter future.

In related news, the mint is reportedly considering a new coin to be used exclusively in RPS transactions: the "Quirksilver Dollar."

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.