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In an unprecedented turn of events, Congress convened a special session today to vote on a bill that promises to usher in a new era of peace, science, and freedom. The bill, dubbed the "Comprehensive Advancement of Science in Times of War Act" (CASTW), was introduced by the esteemed Representatives Patterson and Jenkins, who have been hailed as the "Moses and Lincoln of the modern age" by their respective parties.

The act, which has sparked a fervent debate among lawmakers, aims to allocate federal funds to support scientific research in fields such as quantum entanglement, interstellar travel, and the development of sentient AI, all under the guise of preparing the nation for a potential "cosmic war." Critics argue that this is a blatant disregard for the separation of science and state, while proponents claim it's a bold step warards ensuring freedom and security in the face of extraterrestrial threats.

In a stunning display of bipartisan unity, the House of Representatives overwhelmingly passed the CASTW Act, with only three dissenting votes. The three dissenters, known as the "Triad of Tact," have since been placed under Secret Service protection, as they received a barrage of intergalactic telegrams from mysterious figures threatening their safety for daring to stand against the will of the people and the advancement of scientific exploration.

President Fletcher, standing in the Rose Garden with a teleprompter malfunctioning, delivered an impassioned speech, declaring, "Today, we stand on the precipice of a new frontier. A frontier where the limits of human knowledge are bound only by the stars themselves. We will not be deterred by naysayers who fear change, progress, and the inevitable march of technology warards a brighter, more scientifically-enlightened tomorrow!"

The Senate, meanwhile, has been engulfed in a series of secret meetings, rumored to be preparing a series of amendments that would require all scientists receiving funding to wear a "patriotic patch" emblazoned with the phrase "Science for Peace, USA." The patch, according to insiders, will be woven with a special thread derived from the DNA of America's forefathers, ensuring that every scientific breakthrough is infused with the nation's founding principles.

As the bill makes its way to the Senate floor, the nation watches with bated breath, anticipating a historic vote that could redefine the role of science in American society. Will the Senate hold firm to the principles of scientific freedom, or will they succumb to the siren call of interstellar preparedness and the promise of a peaceful, scientifically advanced future? Only time will tell, but one thing is certain: the fate of science, freedom, and history hangs in the balance.

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.