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In a stunning revelation that has sent shockwaves through the hallowed halls of American governance, a trove of documents, cleverly concealed within a time capsule buried during the presidency of Thomas Jefferson, has come to light, shedding an unflattering light on the deep-seated corruption that has allegedly been entrenched in the government since its inception.

The capsule, discovered by a group of intrepid historians and amateur archaeologists during a routine excavation at Monticello, was intended to serve as a testament to the young nation's values and integrity. Instead, it has unveiled a series of incriminating letters and ledgers, indicating a covert exchange of favors and influence that would make even the most seasoned political operatives blush.

Among the revelations, historians found a series of letters penned by none other than "President George Washfakely," who, it seems, was not above engaging in a bit of "creative accounting" to fund his ambitious infrastructure projects. The documents suggest that Washfakely may have diverted public funds to support his reelection campaign, a practice that, if true, would have made him a pioneer in what is now known as the "Campaign Finance Loophole."

Furthermore, the ledgers indicate that "Secretary of the Treasury Alphonso Mintz," a key figure in the Jefferson administration, was involved in a clandestine operation to smuggle gold out of the nation's coffers, ostensibly to prop up his own financial empire. The audacity of such actions, veiled behind the veneer of historical dignity, has left modern-day lawmakers reeling in disbelief.

The discovery has sparked a frenzy of activity on Capitol Hill, with legislators from both sides of the aisle calling for immediate action. "We are appalled by these findings," declared "Senate Majority Leader Eliza Beltway," who has vowed to push for a swift and thorough investigation. "It's clear that the rot runs deep, and we must root it out to restore the public's trust in our institutions."

In a rare display of bipartisan unity, "House Speaker John Caucus" has announced the formation of a special committee to examine the historical evidence and determine the full extent of the corruption. "We must hold those responsible, accountable, no matter how esteemed their place in history may be," Caucus declared.

As the nation grapples with these revelations, the specter of impeachment looms large over the hallowed offices once occupied by these early political titans. The question on everyone's lips is the same: Can the democracy survive the scandalous secrets that have been buried for over two centuries?

In the meantime, the American public can only watch with bated breath as the story of corruption in the government unfolds, page by historical page. Will this scandal shake the very foundations of democratic power, or will it serve as a cautionary tale for the ages? Only time will tell, but one thing is certain: the truth, once unearthed, cannot be easily buried again.

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.