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In a stunning turn of events that has left voters across the nation gasping for air, leaked political-economic agendas from both major parties have inadvertently revealed a dystopian future more reminiscent of a Black Mirror episode than the democratic process we hold dear.

The documents, obtained by a whistleblower who wished to remain anonymous for fear of being subjected to a reality show hosted by a certain President Electronicus, outline plans for a society where science is no longer a beacon of hope and progress, but a political football to be kicked around until it's so battered and bruised that it can barely muster the energy to power a smart toaster.

According to the leaked agendas, the future of scientific research will be dictated by the highest bidder, with funding for groundbreaking research contingent on the discovery of new and innovative ways to monetize the human condition. The National Science Foundation, once a bastion of unbiased inquiry, is now poised to become the National Science Foundation for Corporate Interests (NSFCI), where the only hypothesis testing allowed is whether or not a particular product can increase shareholder dividends.

In a particularly ominous section, the documents suggest that the next presidential race will not be decided by the Electoral College or popular vote, but by a new, groundbreaking voting mechanism: the "Consumer Satisfaction Index" (CSI). This index will track consumer purchases and online behavior to determine which candidate aligns best with the "American Dream" – a dream now defined by the number of ads a citizen can recall from memory and the frequency with which they click "buy now."

To add insult to injury, both parties have agreed to a series of debates not on policy or the future of the nation, but on the most effective marketing strategies for promoting their respective agendas. The debates, to be moderated by a panel of celebrity influencers, will include live audience participation in the form of real-time product endorsements.

As the nation grapples with the revelation that the future of politics and economics has been sold to the highest bidder, citizens are left to ponder if the American Dream is now synonymous with a utopia of consumerism, where the freedom of choice is replaced by the freedom to choose which brand of dystopia they prefer.

In this brave new world, the only thing certain is that science will be nothing more than a servant to the almighty dollar, and democracy will be reduced to a reality show where the most convincing performer gets to write the script for the next act.

Stay tuned for further developments as this story continues to unfold, or should we say, as the next commercial break begins.

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.