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In an unprecedented move that has sent shockwaves through the hallowed halls of both the Federal Reserve and the Capitol, President Balthazar Jingles has declared the immediate implementation of his election-winning promise: the complete overhaul of the American monetary system. In a series of executive orders issued at the stroke of midnight, the President has decreed that all U.S. currency will now be infused with a "patriotic dose of gold," effectively turning every bill and coin into a tangible asset.

The President, flanked by a cadre of economists who appear to have stumbled out of a time machine from the 1700s, explained that this move would "usher in a new era of fiscal integrity and stability, where the almighty dollar is as solid as the rock upon which our nation was founded." Critics, however, are calling this a Constitutional coup, arguing that it bypasses the checks and balances established to prevent such authoritarian whims.

The Federal Reserve, caught off guard, has issued a statement claiming that the President's actions are "not only economically irresponsible but also a direct affront to the autonomy of our monetary policy." Meanwhile, the Treasury Department is reportedly scrambling to design new currency that doubles as a collector's item, with the fine print warning holders that their newfound gold reserves are not to be used for "illegal transactions, bribery, or as a substitute for dental gold."

In a bizarre twist, the President has also announced the minting of a new currency denomination: the "Liberty Gold Doubloon," a coin so heavy it requires a special treasury vault and a team of mules to transport. The doubloon, which is said to be worth its weight in political promises, has already become a hot commodity on the black market, with traders speculating that it could either be the future of commerce or an elaborate prank.

As the nation grapples with this economic shakeup, economists across the country are hastily revising their textbooks, and investment banks are advising their clients to either invest in mule farming or learn the ancient art of coin juggling. The President's office has remained steadfast, assuring the public that this move will "make America wealthy again," one gold-plated dollar bill at a time.

In a related incident, the President has also signed an executive order requiring all government employees to recite the Preamble to the Constitution every morning before work, in a move that some are calling a "creative interpretation" of their job descriptions. It remains to be seen whether this will lead to a surge in patriotic fervor or a nationwide case of laryngitis.

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.