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In a stunning undercover operation, our investigative team at The Ridiculous Times has uncovered a clandestine cabal of political heavyweights and corporate titans who have been surreptitiously rewriting the Constitution to suit their whimsical desires. This shadowy collective, known as "The Constitutional Twisters," includes such luminaries as Senator Slickback (D-Sleazeville), CEO Greedman of the monolithic corporation "TooBigToFail Inc.," and the enigmatic sorcerer Supreme Court Justice Mystic Meg.

Our deep-cover agent, known only as "Patriot Pete," infiltrated the group and discovered their secret meetings held in the hallowed halls of the Capitol Building, under the guise of Constitutionnal Study Groups." These sessions, we're told, are where the future of the nation is bartered and traded like so many Monopoly properties.

The revelations are as follows:

1. The Bill of Rights has been reinterpreted to allow for unlimited campaign contributions, with the obscure and rarely cited "Money Speech Amendment" (which, surprisingly, was not actually part of the original document).

2. The Electoral College has been reimagined as a futuristic entity, where electors are replaced by advanced algorithms designed by Silicon Valley's brightest minds. These algorithms, however, seem to have a particular bias towards candidates with the highest spending on digital ads.

3. The Second Amendment has been expanded to include not only firearms but also "personal drone militias," ensuring that every citizen has the right to form a squadron of aerial enforcers to defend their property or, presumably, to deliver pizza.

4. The Fourth Amendment has been amended to state that any data collected by corporations is beyond the reach of government interference, effectively making Big Data the new "Supreme Law of the Land."

5. And, in a move that would make George Orwell do a double-take, the First Amendment has been subtly altered to protect "free speech" only for those who can afford the highest-priced lobbyists in Washington.

In response to our findings, a spokesperson for the Constitutional Twisters, Senator Slickback, issued a statement saying, "We are simply ensuring that our nation's founding document evolves with the times. After all, the framers couldn't have anticipated the complexities of today's world, like the need for drone-based defense mechanisms or the economic realities of unlimited campaign giving."

As the nation grapples with these revelations, the debate rages on about the true meaning of the Constitution and who gets to decide its fate. One thing is clear: in this new era of constitutional reinterpretation, the only thing that remains constant is the desire for power and influence among those who believe they are above the very laws they've sworn to uphold.

Stay tuned as The Ridiculous Times continues to follow this developing story with all the seriousness it deserves.

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.