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In a stunning turn of events that has sent shockwaves through the financial districts of New York and Washington, the Supreme Court has delivered a devastating blow to the U.S. economy. In a 7-2 decision, the Court has declared President Bipartisan's ambitious new tax plan unconstitutional, citing a plethora of reasons ranging from the law's "unprecedented complexity" to its "clear intent to benefit the elite at the expense of the common man."

The tax plan, affectionately dubbed the "Great Equalizer" by its proponents, was set to revolutionize the American tax system by implementing a progressive tax rate that would see the wealthiest Americans paying upwards of 75% in federal taxes, while the middle class would enjoy a modest reduction in their rates. However, the Court's decision has cast a shadow over the economic future of the nation.

In a scathing dissent, Justice Satire noted that the Court's decision was "akin to a referee in a soccer match deciding that the team with the most goals should actually lose because it's not 'fair' to the other team." Meanwhile, Justice Irony, writing for the majority, opined that the tax plan was akin to a dystopiann novel come to life," where the government "arbitrarily decides who is 'wealthy' and then proceeds to fleece them of their hard-earned money."

The reaction across the nation has been one of outrage and disbelief. Financial experts have warned that the Court's decision could lead to a "economic freefall," as investors scramble to find safe havens for their wealth. The stock market has reacted with a sharp downturn, while gold prices have soared to record highs.

In a rare public appearance, President Bipartisan addressed the nation, promising to "fight this tyrannical decision tooth and nail," and vowing to take the case to the International Court of Justice. "This is not the end of the road," the President declared. "We will not let the Supreme Court dictate economic policy. We will make sure that justice is served, and that the wealthy pay their fair share!"

As the country braces itself for the financial fallout, one thing is clear: the U.S. economy is teetering on the edge of a precipice, and the Supreme Court has pushed it closer to the abyss. Whether this will be a leap towards a more equitable society or a plunge into economic chaos remains to be seen. But one thing is certain - the next few years will be nothing short of a financial rollercoaster. Hold onto your wallets, folks, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.