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In an astounding revelation that has sent shockwaves through the Capitol and beyond, a clandestine society of Republicans, known as the "Founding Fathers' Descendants of the Illustrious and Noble Republic," or F.F.D.I.N.R., has been exposed for their centuries-long manipulation of U.S. history. The secretive group, which boasts a membership roll that reads like the "Who's Who" of Republican royalty, has been subtly steering the country's course since the 18th century, according to a groundbreaking investigative report by renowned humorist and satirical journalist, Laughingstock Pen.

The report, which has been confirmed by a highly credible source who wishes to remain anonymous for fear of being "roundly tarred and feathered," details how F.F.D.I.N.R. members have been orchestrating events to align with their ultra-conservative agenda. From the drafting of the Constitution to the latest political debates, the society has allegedly been pulling strings in a manner that would make even the most devious Machiavelli blush.

One of the most incendiary claims made by Pen involves the manipulation of the Three-Fifths Compromise, a provision in the Constitution that assigned a portion of a slave's value as a method to determine a state's representation in Congress. According to Pen's source, the compromise was not merely a compromise but a cleverly devised scheme by F.F.D.I.N.R. to ensure that Southern states would have enough representatives to consistently vote against the expansion of civil rights for the next two centuries.

The report also alleges that the society was behind the popularization of the phrase "originalist interpretation" of the Constitution by the late, great Supreme Court Justice Antonin "Scalia-esque" Brio, ensuring that any progressive legislation would be struck down by the judiciary in a manner that would make the founding fathers, or so they claim to believe, proud.

Moreover, Pen suggests that F.F.D.I.N.R. has been influencing public opinion through a network of think tanks, lobbying groups, and media outlets, which have been covertly funneling Republican talking points into the national consciousness for decades. The society's influence has allegedly extended to the point where it has become nearly impossible to distinguish between factual events and the narrative spun by the group.

In response to the allegations, the Republican National Committee released a statement saying, "We are aware of the report and find it as believable as a donkey competing in a marathon. The Republican Party has always stood for transparency, liberty, and the right to bear arms – not secret societies and historical manipulation."

As the nation grapples with this revelation, historians and political scientists alike are calling for a thorough investigation into the claims made by Pen. The revelation has sparked a firestorm of debate, with some condemning the society's alleged actions as a clear violation of the principles upon which this nation was founded, while others are dismissing the report as nothing more than a work of satirical genius.

Whatever the case may be, one thing is clear: the United States has been rocked to its core by this scandal, and the full extent of the F.F.D.I.N.R.'s influence on history may never be fully understood. But one thing is for certain – the country will never look at its past, or its politicians, in the same way again.

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.