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In a series of events that would make even the most seasoned political satirists blush, President Thaddeus "Thunder" Biggs has found himself on the precipice of a constitutional crisis that threatens to rip the fabric of American governance wide open. The controversy, which has sent shockwaves through the hallowed halls of Capitol Hill, revolves around a piece of legislation so controversial that it has been dubbed the "Titanic of Bills" by political pundits.

The bill, which is as contentious as a hot dog eating contest during a vegan convention, aims to amend the Constitution in a way that has never been attempted in the history of the republic. President Biggs, a man whose political compass seems to be guided by a Ouija board, has been seen frolicking in the Rose Garden with a draft of the Constitution that has an extra amendment, number 37, which grants him the power to declare any day he pleases as "National Thaddeus Biggs Appreciation Day."

The outrage among the populace is palpable, with citizens taking to the streets in a frenzy of protest, waving signs that read "Stop the Madness!" and "Three Hail Marys and an Our Father for the Constitution!" The President's defenders, a motley crew of political sycophants and reality TV stars, have argued that the amendment is a "symbol of American innovation and presidential audacity."

Meanwhile, the government has been thrown into disarray, with lawmakers from both parties uniting in a bipartisan effort to express their dismay. Senate Majority Leader Diane "Dynamite" Duncan and House Speaker Carlos "Charisma" Carver have both released statements, each more convoluted and contradictory than the last, attempting to quell the public's fears while simultaneously stoking the flames of controversy for their own gain.

As the nation holds its breath, constitutional scholars and political commentators alike are scrambling to decipher the implications of such an unprecedented act. The debate rages on, with some arguing that it's a blatant power grab, while others claim it's a bold move to "shake up the stale air of Washington."

In a twist that would make Shakespeare cry tears of laughter, President Biggs has announced that he will be holding a nationwide telethon to raise awareness for the amendment, featuring celebrity guest stars and a special performance by the "Late Night with Thaddeus Biggs" house band. The telethon, dubbed "Save Our Seventh Amendment or So Long to the Right to Trial by Jury," has sparked confusion among viewers who are trying to understand how the event is related to the amendment's content.

As the drama unfolds, one thing is clear: the Constitution, that venerable parchment that has weathered the storms of civil war, economic depression, and reality TV, is under threat like never before. The question on everyone's lips is, will President Biggs's constitutional stunt be the undoing of the American experiment, or will it be remembered as a masterstroke of presidential ingenuity? Only time will tell, but one thing's for sure – it's going to be a bumpy ride.

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.