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In a bombshell report that has sent shockwaves through the hallowed halls of government and the dimly lit corners of the nation's tax accountants, we've uncovered a nefarious alliance between tax loopholes and constitutional loopholes. This underground cabal, operating under the guise of "economic freedom," has masterfully orchestrated a scheme that not only undermines the noble pursuit of science but also fleeces the public coffers to the tune of trillions of dollars annually.

At the heart of this shadow economy is a shadow figure known only as "EconoMentor," a mysterious entity rumored to be a blend of Ayn Rand, David Copperfield, and a particularly cunning squirrel. EconoMentor's latest escapade involves a series of high-stakes poker games held in a nondescript warehouse in Kansas, where tax loopholes and constitutional loopholes vie for the biggest pots, which are, of course, completely legal.

The stakes are high, with winnings that could fund the National Science Foundation for a century or finance a covert operation to put a man on Mars—if only the funds weren't being used to purchase a fleet of personalized golden yachts for the loopholes themselves.

Our deep-cover mole, operating under the alias "Dr. Fictitious," infiltrated one of these games and reported back, "It's like watching democracy and capitalism have a baby—a baby that grows up to be a tax havens consultant with a PhD in offshore banking."

The loopholes' game of choice? Constitutionnal Poker," a variant where a player can declare Constitutionnal Privilege" to skip their turn and instead pass a regulation that effectively legalizes their ill-gotten gains. The kicker? These regulations are so convolutedly worded that they are essentially unenforceable, thus ensuring the loopholes' continued reign of financial terror.

The impact on science is profound. With billions siphoned away annually, funding for research into areas like climate change, disease treatment, and renewable energy is dwindling. Meanwhile, the loopholes have set up their own "research institute," which, according to its mission statement, is dedicated to studying "the principles of financial invisibility and the effects of fiscal acupuncture on the economy."

In an exclusive interview, EconoMentor smirked and said, "The Constitution is a living document, and like any living document, it needs to breathe. Sometimes that means allowing it to be used as a sock puppet for tax dodging. It's all in the spirit of innovation and the free market."

As the nation grapples with the revelations, the loopholes are already planning their next move: a reality TV show called "American Taxpayer: Who Wants to Be a Billionaire?" where the public can vote for which loophole gets to keep their ill-gotten gains.

In a world where truth is stranger than fiction, and the line between constitutional rights and corporate tax evasion is as blurred as a Monet painting, only time will tell if the public can outsmart the shadow economy or if we're all just playing a rigged game.

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.