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In a move that has left both tech giants and lawmakers scratching their heads, the Supreme Court has handed down a landmark ruling that could forever alter the landscape of entertainment in the United States. In a unanimous decision, the Court has declared that all mobile games must now adhere to the same strict legal framework as traditional casino games, including slot machines and poker tables.

The ruling, which came as a complete surprise to most, was based on the argument that mobile games, particularly those with in-app purchases and loot boxes, exhibit "deceptively similar gambling mechanisms" to their brick-and-mortar counterparts. The Court's decision was met with a mixture of disbelief and elation, as gaming companies and anti-gambling lobbyists both claimed a resounding victory.

Immediately following the ruling, the nation's capital saw a flurry of activity as legislators rushed to draft new bills that would regulate the burgeoning mobile gaming industry. The proposed legislation, affectionately dubbed the "Swipe-and-Spin Act," would impose mandatory age restrictions, mandatory addiction warning labels, and a 2 AM nationwide curfew for all mobile gaming apps.

In a press conference, the bill's sponsor, Senator Jackpot (R-NV), hailed the decision as a "monumental step towards safeguarding our youth from the perils of predatory gaming." Meanwhile, tech mogul and philanthropist Bill Gate-brainer (CEO of Mobile Merriment Inc.) expressed his concerns about the implications of the ruling, stating, "This could potentially stifle innovation and creativity in the gaming industry, which has been a beacon of hope for American job growth and technological advancement."

The future of mobile gaming in the United States now hangs in the balance as the industry grapples with the implications of the Supreme Court's ruling. As the nation braces for the seismic shift in entertainment, one thing is clear: the next round of Candy Crush will come with a health warning and a hefty fine if you're underage and playing past bedtime.

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.