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In a stunning display of bipartisan cooperation, the Democratic-led Senate has unanimously passed the "Futuristic Advancement of Science in Unitedtopia Act" (FASUA), a bill that promises to catapult the nation into a new era of scientific discovery. The bill, which was introduced by the esteemed Senator Gloria Gadget, a renowned advocate for the intersection of politics and futuristic science, includes provisions for the government to fund research on teleportation, time travel, and the creation of sentient toasters capable of testifying in Congress.

The Act's primary goal is to address the pressing issue of partisan gridlock by ensuring that no less than 51% of all scientific breakthroughs are politically balanced. "We're tired of the back-and-forth," declared Senator Gadget in a press conference flanked by a holograph of Albert Einstein and a robot resembling Alex Trebek. "We want science that reflects the diverse opinions of our great nation, including whether a grapefruit can be considered a fruit or a ball due to its spherical nature when quartered."

In a related development, the White House has announced the formation of the President's Council on Unusual Science (PCUS), a body composed entirely of Nobel laureates, renowned inventors, and individuals who have successfully crowd-funded a Kickstarter campaign for a "quantum cat teleportation device." The council's first task is to develop a policy paper on the potential economic impact of a universal basic income for sentient artificial intelligences and whether said AI should be granted voting rights.

Critics of the bill have raised concerns about the potential misuse of funds and the ethical implications of creating machines capable of legislative testimony. However, proponents argue that the infusion of scientific innovation into the political process is a necessary step towards ensuring a government that is not only of the people, by the people, and for the people, but also by sentient toasters and for the benefit of intergalactic space-faring squids.

As the nation gears up for what many are calling the "Golden Age of Governmental Gadgetry," it remains to be seen whether this new era of science-driven governance will lead to a more perfect union or simply result in an endless series of congressional hearings featuring cross-examination by a panel of self-aware appliances. Only time—or a time-traveling delegation from the future—will tell.

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.