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In a shocking revelation that has sent shockwaves through the political landscape of the United States, a whistleblower known only as "Patriot Pennywise" has come forward with a tale of political machinations so convoluted, it would make a Game of Thrones fanatic blush. According to Pennywise, a secret society of congressional insiders, known as the "Grand Old Owls" and the "Donkey Ducks," has been meeting in the shadows of the Capitol for decades to orchestrate the outcomes of presidential elections.

The Owls and Ducks, a bipartisan group of lawmakers with a penchant for cloak-and-dagger politics, have allegedly been using a complex system of backroom deals, cryptic riddles, and ceremonial chicken sacrifices to influence the electoral process. The ultimate goal? To ensure that only candidates who are either completely malleable or absurdly wealthy are elected, thus maintaining the status quo and protecting the interests of the elite.

Sources close to the investigation claim that the society's latest plot involves a candidate with the political savvy of a turnip and the charisma of a damp dishrag. This individual, whose name has been redacted to protect the innocent (or guilty), is said to have been handpicked for their ability to appeal to both the intellectual depth of a goldfish and the emotional range of a teaspoon.

The plan, as outlined by Pennywise, involves a series of legislative maneuvers that would make the Bay of Pigs look like a high school prank. The Owls and Ducks are rumored to be manipulating campaign finance laws, redrawing electoral maps with the precision of a Renaissance artist, and even considering the reintroduction of the Electoral College, just for kicks.

In a statement that would make Orwell's Big Brother blush, one of the alleged members of the Grand Old Owls, Senator Feathers McGraw, denied any involvement in the alleged conspiracy, claiming that he was "too busy crafting poultry-centric legislation" to engage in such shenanigans. Meanwhile, Representative Quack Thompson, a member of the Donkey Ducks, was overheard muttering something about "ducks of a feather flocking together" before scurrying away into a voting booth.

As the nation grapples with the implications of these revelations, political pundits are left scratching their heads and asking the age-old question: "Is there anything these feathered legislators won't stoop to in the name of political power?" The answer, according to Patriot Pennywise, is a resounding "no."

Stay tuned as this story develops, and remember, in politics, if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and votes like a duck, it's probably a member of Congress in disguise.

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.