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In a stunning display of partisan political gamesmanship, Congress has declared war not on a foreign adversary, but on the very fabric of reality: climate change economics. In a recently leaked memo, the Republican-led Congress has outlined a plan to challenge the scientific community's consensus on climate change, not on the basis of empirical evidence, but on the grounds of "economic self-determination."

The memo, penned by the illustrious Rep. FossilFueller (R-TX), suggests that the climate change narrative is an elaborate scheme by "coastal elites" to control the American economy. According to the memo, the scientific method is a mere "liberal art" that lacks the rigorous, capitalist-approved analysis required to understand the true potential of fossil fuel extraction and its contribution to the nation's GDP.

In response, the science community has banded together to form the "United Front of Empirical Evidence," a group dedicated to combating the economic misinformation being spread by Congress. The group's first move? To release a series of satirical economic reports, each more outlandish than the last, claiming that the melting ice caps could be repurposed as new shopping malls and that volcanic eruptions are a goldmine for aspiring real estate moguls.

The standoff has reached a fever pitch as both sides prepare for the highly anticipated "Great Climate Debate," where Rep. FossilFueller will face off against renowned climate scientist Dr. GlacierGrove. The debate, which is set to take place in the heart of the Mojave Desert, has been relocated multiple times due to "unexpected weather patterns" that have transformed the venue into a lush oasis, much to the chagrin of Rep. FossilFueller's camp.

As the nation watches, the partisan battle lines are drawn not on the battlefield, but in the hallowed halls of academia and the cold, hard data of climate science. The question on everyone's mind remains: Will the almighty dollar or the irrefutable laws of physics prevail in this high-stakes showdown? The answer, my friends, is blowing in the wind—or at least it was, before Congress had it relocated to an undisclosed offshore tax haven.

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.