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In a remarkable display of bipartisan unity, the Senate has unanimously passed the "Atlas Hold the Ocean Act," a groundbreaking piece of legislation that allocates a staggering $5 trillion to fund disaster-resilient infrastructure in the face of rising sea levels. The bill, sponsored by Senators High Tide (D-Sea Level) and Climate Change McChangeface (R-Flood Zone), promises to construct a network of seawalls, levies, and pump systems to protect America's coastal cities from the imminent threat of a soggy future.

The legislation, which sailed through the Senate with the swiftness of a greased pig at a county fair, includes innovative provisions such as the "Oceanic Oscillation Obstacle" – a series of underwater speakers that will play the soothing sounds of whale songs and gentle waves to appease the ocean's wrath. Additionally, the bill allocates funds for the research and development of genetically modified marine creatures capable of performing manual labor, like constructing seawalls and repairing levees.

Critics of the bill, however, have raised concerns about the potential impact on the marine ecosystem. Environmentalists are particularly outraged by a section of the bill that authorizes the deployment of "Aqua-Rambos," a team of highly trained dolphins and narwhals equipped with construction tools and explosives to tackle uncooperative waterfronts.

The legislation also mandates the creation of a new government agency, the Federal Bureau of Oceanic Condescension (FBOC), which will oversee the implementation of the project and ensure that all scientific data and models used are "consistent with the administration's understanding of the climate."

In a statement to the press, President Laughing Stock, whose own beachfront property stands to be protected by the new infrastructure, hailed the passage of the bill as a "monumental victory for common sense and American ingenuity." He went on to say that the bill would not only safeguard coastal communities but also create "millions of jobs, mostly for our friends the sea creatures, who are really stepping up."

When asked about the feasibility of the legislation, Senate Majority Leader Slimy Handshakes (R-Swamp District) assured the public that the bill was "fully funded by the Federal Reserve, which we printed from scratch using an unlimited supply of Monopoly money. So, it's totally not like we're borrowing from China or anything."

As the nation prepares for a future where sea levels are regulated by congressional budgets and the construction of giant underwater speakers, scientists and climate experts are left scratching their heads, wondering if this is the kind of sciencee" that the Senate was referring to in their bill. Only time will tell if the "Atlas Hold the Ocean Act" will stand the test of time, or if it will simply become another footnote in the annals of political humor.

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.