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In a stunning turn of events, sources close to both the Republican-led Congress and the White House have come forward with claims that a secret society of bipartisan corruption has been operating within the hallowed halls of American politics for decades. The society, known as the "Grand Order of the Divided States," is allegedly responsible for a series of scandalous schemes that have kept the political elite in a state of perpetual luxury while the common voter remains blissfully unaware of the grand larceny being perpetrated in their name.

According to the whistleblowers, the Grand Order operates under a strict code of silence, with members from both parties swearing an oath to protect the society's interests above all else, including their own party's agenda. The organization is said to have its fingers in every pie, from lobbying reforms that line their own pockets to tax legislation that favors their offshore bank accounts.

The tip of the iceberg was uncovered when a leaked internal memo from the society's treasurer, a man known only as "Cashmeyer," detailed plans to manipulate market trends to benefit the portfolios of select members, while simultaneously advocating for policies that would harm the very industries they were betting against.

But the Grand Order's reach doesn't stop at financial chicanery. It is also rumored that they have been orchestrating elections for years, using a combination of shadowy political action committees and a vast network of informants to ensure that only candidates sympathetic to their cause are elected to office. The President himself, a man whose name has been whispered in hushed tones as "Coin-Operated," is said to be a high-ranking member of the society, with his every decision seemingly calibrated to maintain the status quo of their illicit empire.

As the story broke, both Republicans and Democrats rushed to deny any involvement, with spokespeople from each party vehemently claiming that the allegations were nothing more than a baseless conspiracy theory. However, political analysts and satirical journalists alike have noted that the rapidity and unity of their denials only serve to reinforce the suspicions of a cover-up.

In response to the allegations, the Grand Order has released a statement calling the claims "the ramblings of a disgruntled intern" and promising a full investigation into the matter. Meanwhile, the American public is left to ponder the possibility that their leaders have been playing a game of political poker with the nation's future as their chips, all the while maintaining a facade of partisan division and hostility.

As the story continues to unfold, one thing is clear: the Grand Order of the Divided States has been masterfully orchestrating a symphony of corruption, with each political party playing their part in perfect harmony. Whether this is a fabrication spun from the minds of the disillusioned or a sobering revelation of the state of American politics, remains to be seen. But one thing is certain—the curtain has been pulled back, and the stage is set for a drama of epic proportions.

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.