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In an age where science has become the new opium of the masses, the esteemed legislator, Senator BigPharma, has just unveiled his groundbreaking new bill: The Scientific Suppression Act. This landmark legislation, which has been crafted with the help of the world's most notorious lobbyists, aims to ensure the continued dominance of antiquated research methodologies by making it illegal for scientists to use more efficient, cutting-edge technologies that could potentially disrupt the multibillion-dollar industry's lucrative revenue streams.

In an exclusive interview with the Flat Earth Chronicles, Senator BigPharma, clad in a lab coat with an "I Fake Data" pin prominently displayed, explained his vision. "We must protect the sanctity of science as it once was," he proclaimed, "by shackling the feet of those pesky researchers who are too eager to sprint ahead with innovation that could render our time-honored, tried-and-true methodologies obsolete."

The bill has sparked outrage among the scientific community, which, in a rare display of bipartisanship, has come together to condemn the proposed legislation. Renowned physicist Dr. Sheldon Cooper, known for his groundbreaking work on the quantum mechanics of tea leaves, denounced the bill as "a shameless attempt to preserve the status quo of scientific mediocrity."

Meanwhile, in a dystopian twist, the Department of Redundancy has announced a new initiative to fund research projects that promise to deliver results indistinguishable from those already known. The initiative's first grant, a staggering sum of $7 trillion, has been awarded to a team of researchers led by Professor Henry J. Waterworth, who plans to "study the scientific method in a controlled environment to understand its fundamental principles."

As the nation grapples with the implications of this new age of scientific stagnation, many are left wondering if the future holds more for Orwellian oversight than for the advancement of human knowledge. In a surprising turn of events, the President, a figure known only as 'Commander-in-Dough', has publicly endorsed the bill, promising to personally oversee the execution of scientific endeavors to ensure they remain "safe, affordable, and just as ineffective as they've always been."

In an era where politics and economics dictate the pace of progress, it seems that science may have met its match. The Scientific Suppression Act, a brainchild born from the minds of those who fear change, promises to lead us down a path where the only constant is the relentless march towards a future that, thankfully, will never arrive.

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.