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In a groundbreaking move that has sent shockwaves through the hallowed halls of the House of Representatives, a faction of Democratic lawmakers has introduced a piece of legislation that promises to revolutionize the gaming industry and, by extension, American society as we know it. The "Every American Deserves a Fair Shake at the Next Big Hit Act" (EADFSABSHA for short) aims to guarantee every citizen a fair opportunity to become a billionaire overnight by playing video games.

The bill, championed by the charismatic and visionary Representative Joystick (D-CA), claims that "the American Dream has been narrowly defined for too long." He argues that the traditional path to riches—climbing the corporate ladder, investing wisely, or inventing the next life-saving drug—is exclusionary and outdated. "Why settle for a modest retirement when you can be the next PewDiePie or Ninja, with the power to sway stock markets and control international currencies with a single stream?" asked Representative Joystick during a fiery speech on the floor of the House.

The EADFSABSHA act proposes that the federal government will subsidize all gaming purchases, ensuring that every American has access to the latest and greatest games. Furthermore, it mandates that at least one game per year must spawn a billionaire, with the potential for more, to ensure economic mobility. The bill also includes a controversial provision that requires employers to recognize gaming achievements as legitimate job experience, potentially transforming the workforce into a community of casual gamers and professional loot-grinders.

Critics of the bill have raised concerns about the potential for increased screen time-related health issues, a surge in student loan defaults as gamers prioritize their virtual economies over real-world education, and the potential for national security threats as China swoops in to corner the market on advanced gaming technology and high-speed internet infrastructure.

Despite the skepticism, the bill has garnered support from various quarters, including Silicon Valley tech giants who stand to profit handsomely from the anticipated surge in demand for cutting-edge gaming hardware and the inevitable expansion of virtual reality. Meanwhile, Wall Street analysts are predicting a new gold rush as investors scramble to back the next big hit that could turn every player into a plutocrat overnight.

As the historic House vote approaches, the nation holds its collective breath, eager to see if the EADFSABSHA act will pass and usher in an era of unprecedented gaming-driven prosperity, or if it will crash and burn, taking the concept of the American Dream into a whole new realm of fantasy.

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.