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In a stunning exposé that has sent shockwaves through the hallowed halls of the United States Capitol, a trove of previously undiscovered documents has surfaced, revealing a sordid history of corruption that has been orchestrating the nation's destiny from the shadows since its inception.

The papers, hidden in a secret chamber behind a painting of George Washington (whose stern, marble eyes are now rumored to have been designed to subtly wink at conspirators), detail a lineage of legislative chicanery that would make even the most seasoned mob boss blush.

According to the newly unearthed evidence, the founding fathers themselves were not the paragons of virtue we've been led to believe. In fact, they were a motley crew of land-grabbing, slave-owning, debt-riddled gamblers who, in a moment of drunken camaraderie, decided to launch a grand experiment in self-governance, primarily as a front for their lucrative side hustles in lobbying, influence peddling, and the occasional lucrative land deal.

The documents, penned in an elegant, yet suspiciously modern script, chronicled how the "Father of Our Country" himself, whom we now affectionately call "Washington," was deeply entangled with a clandestine network of international financiers and foreign agents. His supposedly altruistic campaign to establish a new nation was, in fact, a sophisticated scheme to secure a steady flow of funding from these shadowy figures, who were eager to influence the nascent republic's policies to their benefit.

As the centuries marched on, the tradition of corruption in Congress evolved. Lawmakers, once content with the occasional bribe or the promise of a lucrative post-Senate lobbying career, have now elevated their game to include complex financial instruments, offshore accounts, and a revolving door between Capitol Hill and the corporate world that would make a carousel jealous.

The latest scandal, known as "Operation Potomac Fever," uncovered a network of legislators who, in exchange for campaign contributions from the pharmaceutical industry, introduced a series of bills designed to lower drug prices—but only for their own offshore accounts. The bills, cleverly named the "Affordable Medications for Offshore Investors Act" (AMOIA), were set to save the representatives a fortune while leaving American citizens high and dry.

In response to the revelations, a group of intrepid, freedom-loving citizens has taken to the streets, armed with pitchforks, torches, and an unquenchable thirst for justice. These modern-day patriots, who have dubbed themselves "The New Minutemen," are demanding a return to the principles of transparency and integrity that they claim the founding fathers, despite their flaws, supposedly stood for.

As the nation grapples with this newfound knowledge, the question on everyone's lips is: Will the United States Congress finally clean up its act, or will the stench of corruption continue to waft through the corridors of power, mingling with the scent of democracy's decay? Only time will tell, but one thing is certain—the fight for freedom, as always, is far from over.

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.