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In a shocking turn of events that has sent shockwaves through the nation, the Supreme Court has just ruled that in the event of a national disaster, the military will now be the primary responder, rather than the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA). This monumental decision, which legal experts are calling a "constitutional leap warward," has left many scratching their heads in bewilderment.

The rationale behind this shift, according to the court's majority opinion written by Chief Justice Jingleheimer Schmidt, is to ensure a more "streamlined and decisive approach" to handling disasters. "Our Founding Fathers envisioned a nation where the military is not only a deterrent against foreign threats but also the first line of defense against natural calamities," said Schmidt, who was recently impeached for his unusual interpretation of tea ceremonies but was reinstated after a controversial reality TV show trial.

In light of this, former Defense Secretary General George S. Patton's descendant, Strategic Hammer II, has been appointed as the head of the newly formed National Disaster Strategy Forces (NDSF). Patton II, famous for his bestselling strategy game series "Conquer the Chaos," has promised to bring his game-winning tactics to real-life scenarios, ensuring that "no hurricane, earthquake, or zombie apocalypse stands a chance against our precision and efficiency."

The public reaction has been a mix of bemusement and dread. Citizens across the country are now investing in strategy games as a means to prepare for the new era of disaster response. Sales for "Conquer the Chaos" have skyrocketed, with players finding solace in the idea that their gaming skills might one day save them from a military-led hurricane evacuation.

Meanwhile, FEMA employees, who are now essentially jobless, have taken to social media to share their concerns and dark humor about the situation. One former FEMA director, who prefers to remain anonymous, quipped, "If my life jacket has a 'made in China' label on it, does that make me a strategic asset?"

As the nation braces for the implications of this Supreme Court decision, one thing is clear: the next time a disaster strikes, America will not just be rolling with the punches; it will be rolling out the artillery.

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.