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In a shocking twist of events that has left political pundits and civil libertarians alike scratching their heads in bewilderment, the Supreme Court has just made what history will remember as the most dystopian decision in American jurisprudence. In a landmark ruling that seems to have been plucked straight from a George Orwell novel, the Court has declared that the Constitution does not protect the freedom of individuals to do anything that isn't explicitly stated as a right.

This groundbreaking interpretation of the law, which has been hailed by some as the most logical step towards a perfectly regulated society, was delivered by Justice Cypher, who, in a chilling display of judicial acumen, argued that the only true freedom is the freedom from the tyranny of ambiguity. "The Founding Fathers," Justice Cypher pontificated, "were visionaries, but they were not clairvoyants. It is our duty, as the guardians of the Constitution, to interpret their vision in a way that ensures a predictable and controllable society. This is the only way to avoid the chaos of unbridled freedom."

In a press conference, a visibly triumphant President Ironfoot, who had campaigned on a platform of 'predictable governance,' praised the Court's decision as a 'bold step towards a brighter future.' He explained that with this ruling, citizens can now rest assured that every action they take is either mandatory or permissible by the state, thus eliminating the anxiety caused by the fear of doing something not specifically allowed by law.

Civil liberties activists, however, are not amused. Leading the charge, the American Association for the Advancement of Freedom (AAAF) has declared that this decision marks the beginning of the end for individual rights as we know them. "This is a dark day for liberty," said the AAAF's spokesperson, Liberty Belle. "We are on the brink of a dystopian future where every move we make is governed by the state's omnipresent rulebook. Where is the room for innovation, for spontaneity, for the human spirit to soar?"

In a related incident, the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) announced that it will be expanding its division dedicated to the enforcement of the new Supreme Court decision. This department, known as the Department of Compliance and Predictability (DCP), will be responsible for ensuring that citizens adhere to the new legal framework. The IRS has reassured the public that the DCP's presence will be as comforting as a 'big brother watching over you,' and that any concerns about privacy should be dismissed as outdated and naive.

As the nation grapples with the implications of this historic ruling, one thing is clear: the future, as we have known it, is now a thing of the past. In its place, a new era of governance dawns, where the only freedom recognized is the freedom to conform. And in this brave new world, the Supreme Court has set the precedent that will guide us into a future so predictable, so regulated, that it will be as dystopian as it is orderly.

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.