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In a landmark decision that has sent shockwaves through the corridors of power and the laboratories of the world, the Supreme Court of the United States has ruled that all economic incentives, including tax breaks and subsidies, must henceforth be directly tied to scientific progress and innovation. The ruling, authored by the enigmatic and often misunderstood Justice Dollarbill, states that from this moment forth, the almighty dollar must be accompanied by the noble pursuit of knowledge.

In response to this groundbreaking verdict, corporations and lobbyists across the nation have scrambled to form think tanks dedicated to the synthesis of novel business models that align profit motives with the advancement of science. The new think tanks, aptly named "Thinkamajigs," are a hotbed of activity, with scientists and economists working hand-in-hand to create innovations that will not only line their pockets but also advance humanity's understanding of the universe.

The first wave of projects to emerge from these think tanks includes a revolutionary new product: "Eco-Friendly Oil," which is both a clean fuel source and a renewable form of income for the ailing fossil fuel industry. Additionally, the pharmaceutical giant "BigMed" has announced a breakthrough in personalized medicine that not only cures diseases but also predicts stock market trends based on patient genetic data, promising a future where your investment portfolio is as healthy as your body.

Meanwhile, in the hallowed halls of academia, Ivy League universities are reportedly in a state of frenzy, as they race to create the first "Econo-Nobel," a prestigious award that recognizes contributions to both the economy and scientific research. It is rumored that the first recipient will be none other than the enigmatic Dr. Albert Grossman, who has single-handedly discovered a way to harness the power of the sun using nothing but a magnifying glass and an old-fashioned calculator.

As the nation grapples with the implications of this new economic-scientific paradigm, one thing is clear: the United States is on the brink of an era where the only limit to progress is the extent of one's imagination—and maybe the depth of their pockets. With the Supreme Court's new mandate, the future of the American economy looks brighter than ever, and scientists are now the new rock stars, with their research not only shaping the world but also the stock market.

In conclusion, the Supreme Court's ruling has not only reshaped the economy but has also set the stage for a renaissance of scientific innovation unlike any the world has ever seen. The United States, once again, leads the way into a future where the pursuit of knowledge and the pursuit of wealth are no longer mutually exclusive but are, in fact, one and the same.

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.