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In an unprecedented turn of events, sources close to the future have leaked classified documents revealing that the United States is already living in a dystopian reality, complete with a two-party system that rivals the likes of a George Orwell novel. The documents, which appear to be written in a form of time traveler's chicken scratch, detail how the political landscape has been manipulated by an omnipotent entity known only as "The Algorithm."

According to the leaks, "The Algorithm" has been pulling the strings of both the Republican and Democratic parties for decades, ensuring a never-ending cycle of polarization and voter apathy. The latest iteration of this grand scheme involves the Republicans, led by the charismatic and historically informed President Richard Nixon II, who has been secretly tasked with resurrecting the Salem Witch Trials as a means to bolster their base by appealing to the nation's long-standing love of persecuting women.

In a shocking display of bipartisanship, the Democrats, under the guidance of the enigmatic and visionary Speaker of the House Hillary Rodham IV, have agreed to a congressional compromise that involves the reintroduction of the draft, not for war, but for an elaborate reality TV show dubbed "Survivor: Capitol Hill." The show promises to be a hit, featuring congressmen and women competing in challenges that test their ability to navigate the complexities of legislative gridlock while maintaining their hairstyles.

The future documents also hint at a secret plan to reintroduce the Electoral College, not as a mechanism for electing presidents, but as a form of entertainment where historical figures compete to influence modern politics. Abraham Lincoln and Frederick Douglass are rumored to be in a heated debate over whether it's better to be a light unto oneself or a beacon of hope for the disenfranchised.

As the United States edges closer to this dystopian reality, it's clear that the line between past, present, and future is blurring. With the Algorithm's influence growing, it's only a matter of time before the nation's political system is fully absorbed into the pages of a science fiction novel, where the only certainty is that no one knows what's real, and everyone is suspect.

In a final, chilling note, the documents warn that if the current trajectory continues, the future's vision of the past may soon become indistinguishable from the present, leading to a political landscape where history is not learned but rather, reenacted. And with the midterm elections just around the corner, it seems that the future has already cast its vote. The question is, will the American people wake up before it's too late, or are they destined to be spectators in their own downfall?

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.