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In a stunning and completely unexpected turn of events, a previously undiscovered clause in the United States Constitution has been brought to light by a group of intrepid, history-loving, and slightly eccentric historians. The clause, which has somehow evaded the keen eyes of scholars and legal experts for over two centuries, dictates that every fifth President elected after the year 2000 must run for electionion on a platform of riding a unicycle across the continental United States, juggling political platforms and legislative agendas, all while reciting the Pledge of Allegiance in a language of their choice.

The revelation has sent shockwaves through the political landscape, with current President "Fabulous Haircut" and his rival "Tweedle-Dee" from the opposing party both claiming they had no idea about this obscure provision. Political pundits and social media enthusiasts alike have erupted into a frenzy of speculation, with some suggesting that this clause could be the key to ending the seemingly perpetual state of political gridlock.

The "Unicycle Amendment," as it has been aptly named, stipulates that if a President fails to complete the journey, or if they are caught using a bicycle or any other form of transportation, they must immediately face an impeachment trial. Additionally, any candidate who campaigns on a promise to repeal or amend this clause will be disqualified from running for office, as per the "Satirical Safeguard" subclause.

In response to this revelation, both the Democratic and Republican parties have called emergency meetings to discuss the implications for the upcoming election. Rumors are circulating that several candidates are already in training for the cross-country journey, with some even going as far as to hire mime troupes to practice their juggling skills.

The public, initially in disbelief, has now wholeheartedly embraced the idea, with merchandise ranging from "I Voted for the Unicycling President" t-shirts to "Watch 'Em Ride!" live streaming events popping up across the country. Betting odds have been set, with "Fabulous Haircut" and "Tweedle-Dee" being the frontrunners in the "Who Will Fall Off First?" category.

As the nation gears up for what is sure to be an unforgettable and entirely literal race to the White House, one thing is clear: the next President will either be a true unicycle virtuoso or a footnote in the most bizarre chapter of American history.

In other news, a group of bipartisan senators has introduced a bill to provide safety helmets and flag bearers for the Presidential candidate who will be juggling the nation's future. The bill, known as the "American Unicycle Unity Act," has garnered widespread support, with the exception of a few dissenters who argue that the President should face the challenges of office without such "nanny state" interventions.

Stay tuned as this story develops and remember, in politics, sometimes you have to balance your platform on a very, very small wheel.

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.