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In a stunning and entirely believable revelation, documents obtained by our intrepid investigative team at The Onion reveal that the gaming industry has been pulling the strings in the hallowed halls of the House and Senate for years. The evidence, as concrete as a Super Mario Bros. power block, suggests that these companies have been using their vast fortunes to not only lobby for favorable legislation but also to directly influence policy decisions that would benefit their bottom line.

At the heart of this scandal is the "Joystick Lobbying Act," a piece of legislation so cleverly named that it's almost certainly not named that at all. Sponsored by the enigmatic and likely entirely innocent Congressperson Thumbstick (R-NJ), the act has been quietly amending the Federal Code to include provisions that would allow gaming companies to "borrow" certain constitutional amendments under the guise of "collateral."

One such provision, the "First Amendment Fair Play Clause," grants gaming companies the right to "free speech" in the form of in-game advertisements. This means that the next time you're trying to save Hyrule or take over the world, you might also be unwittingly watching a 30-second commercial for a new energy drink.

But that's not all. The documents also hint at a shadowy alliance between gaming companies and certain members of the Senate, known among insiders as "The High Score Club." This elite group of senators, led by the enigmatic and likely entirely innocent Senator GameOver (D-CA), has been reportedly holding secret meetings in arcades with names like "The Capitol Arcade" and "The Senate Slot Machine Emporium."

The meetings, which are said to have taken place in a room filled with rare vintage arcade machines, were allegedly a hotbed of deal-making and influence peddling. Insiders claim that the senators would often be seen engaging in heated debates over the high score on "Pac-Man" while sipping on complimentary Mountain Dew.

The implications of this scandal are far-reaching and could potentially shake the very foundation of our democracy. But fear not, dear readers, for our elected officials have assured us that these allegations are nothing more than a bunch of pixels on the screen of public perception. They insist that their decisions are made with the utmost integrity and absolutely no influence from the gaming industry, which, coincidentally, just so happens to be holding its annual lobbying gala this weekend at the Lincoln Memorial.

In related news, the House has just passed a resolution to officially recognize "Fortnite" as the national pastime, ensuring that every future session will begin with a dance-off rather than a prayer. It's a brave new world, folks, and it looks like we're all in it together, whether we like it or not.

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.