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In a stunning turn of events that has left political pundits and casual gamers alike scratching their heads, former Congress member-turned-mobile-gaming-mogul, Senator Thumbstick (R-Swipe), has managed to evade impeachment not once, but twice, in a manner that has been described as "more thrilling than a high score on 'Candy Crush Saga.'"

The saga began when a whistleblower, who goes by the pseudonym "Tapper," leaked documents suggesting that Senator Thumbstick's gaming empire, "Swipe Kingdom," had engaged in some rather questionable tax avoidance strategies. The documents, which were as cryptic as a level 99 ninja in "Fruit Ninja," indicated that the company had created a labyrinth of shell corporations in tax havens, effectively turning the senator's virtual kingdom into a real-life game of hide and seek with the Internal Revenue Service.

Despite these allegations, Senator Thumbstick managed to charm his way out of the first impeachment trial by introducing a bill that promised to lower taxes for all Americans who could score over a million points in any of his games. The proposal, which was as popular as a power-up in "Angry Birds," temporarily diverted the public's attention from the tax evasion scandal.

But the plot thickened when a second impeachment attempt was made, this time with evidence that Senator Thumbstick had been secretly lobbying for changes to the national curriculum to include his games as mandatory educational tools. The idea, which was as palatable as a virtual slice of stale bread in "Cooking Mama," was aimed at ensuring his games would be played by every school-aged child in the country, effectively creating a generation of addicted voters who would never question his political maneuvers.

However, just as the impeachment trial was about to commence, a sudden global pandemic of "Tap Finger Syndrome" broke out, causing widespread panic and forcing everyone to stay indoors and away from their smartphones. The timing, some conspiracy theorists suggested, was not a coincidence.

In the end, Senator Thumbstick emerged victorious, his impeachment attempts thwarted by a combination of political charisma, questionable legislation, and a mysterious viral outbreak. As for the future, Senator Thumbstick has announced his intention to run for president, promising a campaign filled with more twists and turns than a "Temple Run" marathon.

The nation's political analysts remain divided on whether this is a masterstroke of political strategy or a cautionary tale of the influence of the gaming industry on Capitol Hill. Meanwhile, parents across the country are left hoping that their children will one day put down their devices and engage with the real world—preferably before the next election cycle.

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.