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In a shocking turn of events that has left the nation simultaneously baffled and mildly amused, Congress has declared war on the gaming industry. This aggressive campaign, announced by the House Committee on Overly Concerned Adults (HCOAA), aims to regulate mobile games amidst what they are calling an "unprecedented explosion" of digital gaming platforms.

The HCOAA, led by the distinguished and tech-savvy Representative Thumb-Stroke (R-GameOver), held a press conference yesterday to unveil the ambitious legislative agenda. "Our children are being lured into the digital abyss by the siren songs of high scores and virtual rewards," Rep. Thumb-Stroke exclaimed, his fingers dancing across an ancient flip phone. "We must take decisive action to ensure that these digital beasts are tamed and harnessed for the greater good of society."

The proposed legislation, dubbed the "Mandatory Fun Act," would require all mobile games to include a minimum of three hours of educational content per session, a mandatory veggie-chomping avatar, and a real-time morality score that parents can monitor through an app. Additionally, games that fail to promote "wholesome family values" would be subject to a hefty fine and a public shaming on Capitol Hill's new "Game and Shame" segment.

The gaming community, known for its fierce independence and love of in-game microtransactions, has responded with a mixture of outrage and existential dread. "It's like they've never played a game in their lives," said GamersUnite spokesperson Joystick J. Gamer. "Who are these people to dictate what is fun? Next, they'll be telling us that we can't eat candy for breakfast."

In a related incident, a group of seniors, mistaking the press conference for a tutorial on how to play Candy Crush, stormed the Capitol building en masse, causing a momentary halt to the legislative proceedings. As of press time, Rep. Thumb-Stroke was reportedly seen attempting to level up his Angry Birds high score while avoiding a barrage of virtual pigs hurled by irate legislators.

The gaming industry, for its part, has vowed to fight the "Mandatory Fun Act" with every pixelated fiber of its being. "We will not let them turn our cherished pastime into a government-approved educational tool," said Gaming Industry Council (GIC) representative Pixel Paddock. "Next, they'll be telling us to wear seatbelts while driving our virtual cars. The freedom to make bad decisions in a safe, virtual environment is what America was built on!"

As the battle lines are drawn, the nation waits with bated breath to see whether Congress will succeed in its quest to regulate fun or if the gaming industry will manage to keep its virtual world untouched by the heavy hand of legislation. One thing is certain: the upcoming hearings are set to be more dramatic than the final boss level of any top-selling game.

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.