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In a stunning turn of events, the United States Congress has officially declared war on the year 2359, citing a series of escalating "incidents" that have taken place in the far-off future. The President, a visionary leader known as President Pundit, addressed the nation from the Oval Office, flanked by a holographic Albert Einstein and a life-sized cardboard cutout of Steve Jobs, both nodding sagely.

"My fellow Americans," President Pundit began, his voice echoing through the halls of time, "we face a new adversary, one that operates not in the realm of the present, but in the domain of the yet-to-be. The year 2359 has shown an unprecedented level of audacity by sending back in time a series of dystopian manifestos, each more outlandish than the last."

The manifestos, obtained by a top-secret time-traveling courier, detail a future where humans have evolved to live without the need for sleep, leading to a workforce that operates continuously, effectively ending vacations, personal time, and the very concept of leisure. The documents also suggest the implementation of a global currency, the 'Pixels,' which would render all current financial systems obsolete.

In response, Congress has allocated a budget larger than the national debt to fund the Department of Temporal Defense, a new agency tasked with sending a team of elite agents back in time to prevent the dystopian future from ever coming to pass. The team, known as the 'Time Raiders,' is rumored to be equipped with futuristic weaponry, including laser-armed drones and quantum-powered time-reversal grenades.

Meanwhile, the political arena has been abuzz with gamesmanship and one-upsmanship as both parties vie for control over the Time Raiders' mission. The majority leader, Senator Chronos, has proposed a bill that would require the Time Raiders to seek congressional approval for any action taken in the past, while the minority leader, Representative Anachronist, has fiercely opposed the measure, claiming it would limit America's ability to "correct historical oversights."

As the nation stands on the precipice of a conflict that transcends time and reality, Americans are left to wonder: Is this just another political game, or are we truly on the brink of a global conflict with a future yet to be born? Only time will tell, and it seems we've left it up to our most illustrious representatives to shape its course.

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.