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In an unprecedented move that has sent shockwaves through the political arena, leaked documents have revealed that the Democratic party is on the brink of unveiling a groundbreaking new interpretation of the Constitution. The plan, which has been codenamed "Operation Constitutional Reset," aims to redefine the founding document in a way that aligns perfectly with the party's progressive agenda.

Sources close to the situation have exclusively divulged to us that the reinterpretation will include the following radical changes:

1. The First Amendment will be reclassified as a "privilege," not a right, requiring citizens to pass a mandatory "political correctness" exam before they can exercise their freedom of speech. Failure to comply will result in a temporary "verbal license suspension."

2. The Second Amendment will be amended to allow only "responsible" citizens to own firearms. Responsibility will be determined by a new government-run bureau, the Bureau of Responsible Gun Ownership (BRGO), which will evaluate citizens based on their social media activity, past voting history, and a psychic evaluation by certified "empathy mediums."

3. The Third Amendment will be revised to prohibit all U.S. military personnel from staying in private homes, except during state-declared emergencies, to prevent any "unintended domestic comfort disruptions."

4. The Fourth Amendment will be reinterpreted to allow warrantless searches for any home that has not subscribed to the new government-mandated streaming service, "Patriot Prime." The service will offer "transparent content" that all citizens are required to watch, ensuring that everyone is on the same page, figuratively and literally.

5. The Fifth Amendment will be updated to include a clause stating that any citizen can renounce their right to remain silent if they wish to engage in a live, televised debate with the President on any issue of national importance.

6. The Sixth Amendment will be altered to ensure that all defendants in criminal cases must be defended by a court-appointed attorney who has been trained in "creative sentencing" and "plea deal artistry."

7. The Seventh Amendment will be amended to require that all civil cases be settled through a reality TV-style courtroom show, where the public votes on the outcome.

8. The Tenth Amendment will be reinterpreted to empower state governments to take over all federal responsibilities, except for the management of the national debt, which will be handled by a newly formed committee of celebrity financial advisors.

In a statement that has left many scratching their heads, the lead architect of this constitutional overhaul, Senator Elite O'Change, declared, "We are not changing the Constitution; we are simply enhancing its relevance for the modern era. It's a refresh, a reboot, a reset. And isn't that what America needs right now, amidst this looming economic disaster?"

As the nation braces for the political fallout from "Operation Constitutional Reset," economists are predicting a new kind of recession: the "constitutional crud," which is expected to hit hard and fast, with the only silver lining being the opportunity for Americans to watch their leaders duke it out on national television.

Stay tuned as we continue to cover this developing story, where the only thing more uncertain than the future of the American Constitution is the weather.

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.