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In a stunning display of executive overreach, the impeached President Biff Larkin has declared a national emergency, citing the "unprecedented threat" posed by mobile gaming to the very fabric of American society. The President's ambitious plan, leaked to this fine publication by a whistleblower who prefers to remain anonymous for fear of being "digitally banished" to the realm of Candy Crush Saga, aims to curb the addictive nature of mobile games by implementing a new federal regulation that requires all Americans to spend at least one hour per day engaged in civic duties instead of conquering virtual kingdoms or collecting in-game currency.

The backlash from the gaming community has been swift and fiery, with gamers taking to social media to express their outrage under the hashtag #GameOnFreedom. "This is America, land of the free and home of the high score," exclaimed Jill Pixel, a 24-year-old gamer from Oglethorpe, Georgia. "Next thing you know, the government will be telling us what to watch on Netflix."

On the other side of the aisle, the Republican Party has denounced the move as a blatant attempt to infringe upon personal liberties and a clear violation of the First Amendment, which, as we all know, guarantees the right to waste countless hours on the pursuit of virtual dragons. "The President is trying to control our lives like some sort of digital dictator," fumed Senator Thaddeus 'Thunder' Gamington, the party's spokesperson on gaming issues. "We will not stand for this intrusion into our personal gaming habits."

The President's proposal has sparked a frenzied partisan debate, with both sides accusing each other of political grandstanding. Meanwhile, the nation's intellectuals and scholars are deeply divided. Some argue that mobile gaming is a modern-day opium, lulling the masses into a state of passive consumption and intellectual complacency, while others claim that it's a harmless form of entertainment that fosters creativity and strategic thinking.

In a surprising twist, a group of tech-savvy seniors has formed a grassroots movement called 'Gray Matters in Gaming,' advocating for the right to beat their own high scores in peace. Their slogan? "Don't tread on my Candy Crush!"

As the debate rages on, the future of mobile gaming in America hangs in the balance, with many wondering if this will be the issue that finally unites or divides the nation. One thing is for certain: the next impeachment hearing might just be held in a virtual courtroom, with the Supreme Court justices playing as avatars. After all, if the President can regulate our games, what's next? A federal mandate on reality TV show binging? The horror. The horror.

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.