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WASHINGTON D.C. - In a shocking revelation, a team of scientists has discovered a hidden secret that could potentially unite the United States and bring an end to its political divisions. But here's the twist: it's not who you think.

According to the study, the answer to unifying the country lies not in the actions of any particular politician or political party, but rather in a little-known historical event that has been buried for centuries.

"We were amazed to find that the key to unity lies not in the actions of humans, but in the natural world itself," said Dr. Jane Smith, lead author of the study. "It turns out that the Earth's magnetic field has been playing a crucial role in shaping the country's political landscape for centuries."

The study reveals that the Earth's magnetic field has been subtly influencing the behavior of politicians and voters alike, causing them to make decisions that are not only politically advantageous, but also geographically advantageous.

"It's like the Earth's magnetic field is the ultimate puppet master," said Dr. John Doe, a co-author of the study. "It's been guiding politicians towards making decisions that benefit the country as a whole, rather than just their own political agendas."

The study has sparked a heated debate among politicians and scientists alike, with some hailing it as a groundbreaking discovery that could potentially unite the country, while others are skeptical of its findings.

"I don't know if I buy this whole 'Earth's magnetic field controlling politics' thing," said Senator Ted Cruz. "I mean, I'm a big believer in the power of God and the Constitution, but I'm not sure if the Earth's magnetic field is really the answer here."

Despite the skepticism, the study has already gained widespread attention and has sparked a renewed interest in the role of science in politics.

"This is a game-changer," said Dr. Mary Johnson, a political scientist at Harvard University. "If the Earth's magnetic field is really the key to unifying the country, then we need to start taking it seriously. Maybe we can even use it to predict election outcomes and policy decisions."

As the debate rages on, one thing is clear: the discovery of the Earth's magnetic field's role in shaping politics has the potential to change the course of history. And it's not just a bunch of hocus pocus.

"This is a scientific fact," said Dr. Smith. "The Earth's magnetic field is the ultimate political influencer. And we're just scratching the surface of its potential."

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.