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In a stunning turn of events that has left political pundits and historians equally aghast and bewildered, the Supreme Court has just ruled that all future political campaigns must be conducted entirely in ancient Greek, with candidates debating in the original dialect, complete with period costume and choral accompaniment. The decision, which came out of the blue, was based on the court's interpretation of the Constitution, which, as it turns out, was written in invisible ink that only the most astute jurists can decipher.

The ruling, which has been hailed by some as a return to the "true spirit of democracy," has already sparked a frenzy of Hellenic-themed political ads. Front-runner Senator Aristophanes "Aris" Strange has been spotted donning a Spartan helm while delivering fiery speeches in front of the Parthenon-inspired facade of the Lincoln Memorial, all the while being trailed by a chorus of musically inclined interns.

Opponents of the decision argue that such a requirement will alienate the majority of voters who, despite living in the Information Age, have little to no understanding of ancient Greek. Proponents, however, counter that this will lead to a more "informed electorate," as voters will now be able to truly grasp the complexities of political platforms, free from the distortions of modern jargon.

In a related development, the decision has inadvertently thrown a wrench into the works of historical reenactments across the nation. Civil War buffs are now finding themselves competing with political hopefuls for the use of authentic 18th-century costumes, leading to heated confrontations at local fabric stores. Meanwhile, the Museum of Natural History's "Hall of Mammals" has been transformed into a debate stage for elephantine candidates, much to the confusion of tourists expecting to see an exhibit on endangered species rather than endangered politicians.

As the nation braces itself for a summer of philosophical showdowns and epic oratory, one thing is clear: the future of American politics will be unlike anything we've ever seen. Whether this will lead to a renaissance of civic engagement or a catastrophic comedown is anyone's guess. But one thing's for sure – the history books will have a field day, assuming they can figure out how to write in ancient Greek.

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.