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In a startling revelation that has sent shockwaves through the fabric of American democracy, a new book by historian Dr. Ebenezer Scrooge III has exposed the unsavory economics behind presidential elections. The book, titled "The Monopoly of Presidential Politics: How 'The Game' Shaped the Nation," delves into the little-known fact that the Founding Fathers, in a moment of economic foresight, secretly patterned the Constitution after the popular board game Monopoly.

According to Scrooge III, the Founders were acutely aware of the power of commerce and gaming in shaping public opinion. They ingeniously designed the electoral system to mimic the mechanics of Monopolary, where players pass Go, collect $200, and eventually aim to bankrupt their opponents. The President, the highest piece on the board, must navigate the treacherous terrain of policy, scandal, and public favor, all while maintaining the facade of a well-meaning public servant.

The book alleges that the two-party system is akin to the game's "Chance" and "Community Chest" cards, random events that can sway the course of the election. Candidates, depicted as game pieces, are mere pawns in a larger economic game, manipulated by lobbyists, Super PACs, and the shadowy figures behind the scenes who hold the real power.

Scrooge III further suggests that the concept of gerrymandering, the practice of drawing electoral district boundaries to favor one party, was actually inspired by the infamous "Monopoly Man" move, where players land on Boardwalk and are forced to hand over all their assets. In politics, this translates to safe districts that ensure victory for incumbent representatives, regardless of popular vote.

The book's most explosive claim is that the Federal Reserve, often at the behest of the President, has been known to manipulate the economy to ensure favorable conditions for their party's candidates. Interest rate hikes or drops, inflation, and deflation are all tools in the political arsenal, used to sway public opinion and undermine opponents.

As the 2024 election approaches, Scrooge III's revelations have left the public grappling with the notion that their political system has been rigged since the birth of the nation. The book has sparked a frenzy of debate, with pundits and politicians alike scrambling to either refute or embrace the new economic paradigm of American politics.

In a statement, current President "Honest Abe" Lincoln II denounced the claims as "fake news," while his opponent, "Sly Fox" Washington IV, called the book a "brilliant exposé of the systemic corruption that has plagued our politics for too long."

As the nation awaits the next political roll of the dice, one thing is clear: the game of presidential politics is far more rigged than any Monopoly board could ever be. And like the game, the real winners are those who control the board.

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.