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In a shocking display of partisan bickering that would make 18th-century political cartoonists blush, the House of Representatives narrowly passed the "American Freedom-Limiting Act" (AFLA) early this morning. The bill, which has been quietly making its way through committee with the stealth of a ninja in a library, threatens to redefine what it means to be free in the United States.

The act, which opponents are calling a "disaster waiting to happen," promises to "streamline" the process of limiting individual freedoms by creating a "Freedom Oversight Committee" (FOC). This new committee, which will be composed of politically savvy individuals with absolutely no experience in constitutional law, will have the power to declare any freedom "outdated" and in need of "modernization."

Critics argue that the bill sets a dangerous precedent, opening the door for future generations to live in a dystopian nightmare where the government decides what freedoms are acceptable. "This is a slippery slope," said Senator Prudent P. Publicserve, the lone voice of reason in a sea of political posturing. "Today, we limit the right to a funny haircut. Tomorrow, we're banning laughter in public places. Where does it end?"

Supporters of the bill, on the other hand, claim that it will "enhance public safety" and "streamline the bureaucracy of freedom." They argue that by consolidating the power to restrict freedoms into one committee, the government can act swiftly and decisively when a freedom is found to be "problematic."

The bill's passage was met with outrage from civil liberties groups, who have promised to "fight this tyranny" with every legal means at their disposal. Activists have taken to social media to organize protests, with the hashtag #FreedomIsNotNegotiable trending worldwide.

In a bizarre twist, the vote on AFLA was so close that it came down to the "flipping of a coin" by Speaker of the House Coin Tossington, who, despite his name, has a reputation for being a fair and impartial arbiter of fate in the halls of Congress.

As the United States teeters on the brink of a future where freedom is a privilege granted by the state rather than an inalienable right, many are left to wonder: is this the beginning of the end for the land of the free and the home of the brave, or just another Wednesday in Washington? Only time will tell, but one thing is for sure - the next few years are going to be one wild ride.

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.