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In a stunning turn of events, a dusty old scroll was discovered in the basement of the Capitol Building, containing what appears to be indisputable evidence of a deep-seated, bipartisan conspiracy to enrich themselves at the expense of the American taxpayer. The scroll, believed to have been written by the ghost of James Madison, outlines a series of covert operations code-named "Project Treasury" and "Operation Mint."

According to the scroll, the masterminds behind these operations, a shadowy duo known only as "The Partisan Twins," have been using their influence over both the Republican and Democratic parties to funnel public funds into offshore accounts since the early 1800s. The Twins, who are rumored to be distantly related to the current Senate Majority Leader and the Speaker of the House, have managed to keep this ruse going through a series of ingenious schemes, including but not limited to:

1. The Great Coin Flip: A senator and a representative, from opposing parties, would secretly meet under the guise of bipartisan unity and flip a coin to decide which party would benefit from the next government shutdown. The loser, according to the scroll, would then orchestrate a shutdown that would ultimately lead to the allocation of funds to a phantom project, which would then be siphoned off to the Twins' accounts.

2. The Fiscal Cliff Dive: In a similar fashion, the Twins supposedly manipulated the fiscal cliff negotiations, ensuring that both parties would make concessions that would indirectly lead to the accumulation of wealth for their offshore vaults.

3. The Impeachment Charade: The scroll ominously predicts that ahead of a highly anticipated impeachment vote, evidence of corruption would be unearthed to cast doubt on the political process and distract from the Twins' financial machinations.

As the Senate prepares to vote on the impeachment, many are left wondering if this is just another act in the Twins' grand performance of political theater. With both parties entangled in this web of deceit, it remains to be seen if any elected officials will have the courage to confront the truth and put an end to the Partisan Twins' reign of financial terror.

In a rare moment of bipartisan agreement, leaders from both parties have called for a thorough investigation into the allegations. However, as the scroll ominously warns, the investigation may be nothing more than a cleverly crafted diversion to keep the American public's eyes off the ball.

As the nation holds its breath, the question on everyone's mind is: will the truth be buried with the ghost of James Madison, or will the Partisan Twins finally be exposed? Only time will tell, but one thing is certain – the plot thickens.

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.