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In an astonishing turn of events that has sent shockwaves through the halls of power, a team of scientists led by the enigmatic Dr. Ignatius Q. Widget has claimed to have discovered a way to manipulate time. The research, which was initially funded by a consortium of deep-pocketed Republican donors, aimed to "streamline historical events for optimal governance."

The breakthrough, detailed in the latest issue of the journal "Chrono Anarchy," suggests that with the right equipment, one can send small, harmless messages back in time. The messages, according to Dr. Widget, could be used to "subtly nudge historical figures towards making decisions that would benefit the future."

The implications for political strategy are staggering. Both the Democratic and Republican parties have reportedly formed covert operations to explore this new frontier. The Democrats are said to be considering sending a time-message to President Abraham Lincoln to convince him to abolish slavery even earlier, while the Republicans are rumored to be plotting to persuade James Madison to include term limits in the Constitution.

However, the scientific community is in an uproar. Ethicists argue that tampering with history is akin to playing God, while physicists question the very fabric of reality such an action would entail. Dr. Widget, for his part, remains unfazed, claiming that his "temporal nudges" are merely "innocuous suggestions" that would not alter the course of history but rather "simply oil the wheels of destiny."

In a bizarre twist, the White House has called an emergency meeting with the National Time Enforcement Agency (NTEA), an obscure government department that, until now, was thought to be responsible for nothing more than regulating daylight saving time. The President has demanded a full report on the potential dangers of time manipulation, including the possibility of creating paradoxes or unraveling the space-time continuum.

As the world holds its breath, the question on everyone's lips is: Will the future be rewritten, or will the sands of time prove too resilient for even the most ambitious political machinations? Stay tuned as this story unfolds, or should we say, rewinds?

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.