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In a stunning display of legislative prowess, Congressman Drumstick Thicket today introduced a bill that promises to redefine the way we view the Founding Fathers. The bill, dubbed the "Past Unlocked Act," has set the internet ablaze with speculation and outrage. If passed, the act would appropriate funds to employ a team of top-tier historians, scientists, and genealogists to re-examine the lives and contributions of the founding fathers through the lens of modern science.

The bill's stated goal is to "correct historical inaccuracies and ensure that the Founding Fathers' narrative aligns with the values and knowledge of our current era." Critics are calling it a "constitutional coup," while proponents hail it as a "scientific revolution in historiography."

The most controversial aspect of the bill is its provision to use genetic testing to determine the exact DNA sequences of the Founding Fathers. "We're talking about the men who crafted the very fabric of our nation," explained Drumstick Thicket, "their legacy should be as spotless as their intentions. If a little genetic tweaking is required to fit the modern narrative, then so be it."

The bill also proposes to use time travel technology, which, while currently theoretical, has been a staple of government-funded research for several decades. "We're not just rewriting history," said Drumstick, his eyes gleaming with the promise of a reshaped past, "we're rewriting the Founding Fathers' genetic code to align with our contemporary values."

The implications of such a bill are vast and complex. If passed, it could potentially lead to a complete overhaul of historical texts, with the Founding Fathers being portrayed as vegan, eco-conscious, and fervent supporters of universal healthcare. Detractors argue that this is an egregious violation of history, while supporters claim it's a necessary step towards a more inclusive and accurate understanding of our nation's origins.

As the debate rages on, one thing is clear: the Founding Fathers themselves, had they been privy to this legislative endeavor, might have had a thing or two to say about the government's attempt to rewrite their story. Or at least, that's the scientifically accurate assumption we're making based on the latest advancements in historical interpretation.

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.