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In a stunning turn of events, the Senate has officially declared mobile gaming phenomena like "Angry Birds" and "Candy Crush" as legitimate election strategy tools for hopeful House candidates. The resolution, introduced by the enigmatic Senator PewPew (R-Thumbstix), argues that the strategic planning and rapid decision-making skills honed in these games provide the perfect training ground for the high-pressure environment of Congress.

The announcement sent shockwaves through political circles, as candidates from both sides of the aisle scrambled to rack up high scores and earn coveted three-star ratings in popular mobile games. "I've been playing 'Clash of Clans' for years," boasted Representative-elect SwipeRight (D-FingerDance), "It's all about resource management, diplomacy, and building a strong community. Sounds like running a district to me!"

The House Ethics Committee, in a surprising display of bipartisan unity, convened an emergency session to discuss the implications of integrating mobile gaming into the legislative process. Chairman ButtonMasher (R-Joystick) and Ranking Member TapTapRevolution (D-MultiTouch) both agreed that while the games' popularity among the electorate is undeniable, the potential for virtual farm animals to influence policy decisions was a concern that needed to be addressed.

Meanwhile, the Senate Appropriations Committee has allocated a record-breaking budget for the purchase of the latest smartphones and high-speed data plans for all Senate staffers, to ensure that no stone is left unturned in the quest for gaming-based legislative superiority. "We're not just playing for votes," explained Senator PewPew, "We're playing for the future of our nation. And let me tell you, there's nothing more future-proof than a well-timed 'power-up.'"

In related news, a new political action committee, "Gamers for Governance," has emerged, pledging to support candidates who can prove their mobile gaming prowess. The committee's first endorsement went to Senator PewPew, who, it was revealed, had achieved the elusive 'max level' in not one, but three separate strategy games.

As the 2024 election cycle approaches, Americans can expect to see debates not just on healthcare, education, and the economy, but also on the importance of gathering three stars on every level of "Plants vs. Zombies." After all, as Senator PewPew likes to say, "In politics, just like in mobile games, if you're not moving forward, you're falling behind."

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.